TITLE: No Regrets AUTHOR: TBishop27@aol.com RATED: NC17 (Adults only sexual content) CATEGORY: Angst/MSR SUMMARY: Scully faces her worst nightmare. DISCLAIMER: This Mulder and Scully are mine. Chris would never let his play like this. ARCHIVE: All I ask is that you tell me where. AUTHOR'S NOTES: I was told that this is not an original title. So I considered changing it to 'Regrets'. Then I read a moving little fic entitled 'Regrets/No Regrets' which dealt with the same topic but in a completely different way. I decided to give up on the idea of a unique title and just let the story speak for itself. FEEDBACK: Please. As always, flames will be forwarded to that dark part of my writer's imagination that roams the night in search of victims. ***A special thank you to Exley_61 for beta above and beyond the call. You rescued this story, girl. I can't begin to thank you enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~ "No Regrets" by TBishop27 ~~~~~~~~~~~ I watch her sobbing as she cradles her dead partner's body in her lap. He died instantly. Cut down with an automatic weapon at close range. There wasn't anything anyone could have done for him. Another federal agent killed in the line of duty. We all know it could happen to any one of us, any day. It's the nature of our work. She cradles him in her arms, rocking back and forth, petting his thick dark hair, muttering his name in between her sobs. They were in love. Everyone at the Bureau knew as much. The way they looked at each other, looked after each other, even off duty. Unofficial Bureau policy prohibits fraternization between partners. However, discrete relationships are overlooked, especially when there is no negative effect upon the agents' professional partnership. Whether they were physically intimate or not, I couldn't say. The fact remains, they were emotionally involved. And now, as it takes three other agents to pull her away from him so the coroner can take his body, for a brief moment I am her and the handsome man lying in a puddle of his own blood is my partner. It's too much. I have to get out of here. It's dark, cold and raining, but I keep walking. It's all I can do not to run. I have to get away from that scene. It hit too close. That could have been us. I know it's a reality of the line of work we're in. I know it can happen. It's always there in the back of my mind, the nagging fear of what could be. We've come too close, on too many occasions, for me to deny it. But I've never had to face the possibility in quite this way... to see what it would be like if he went down and I couldn't save him. The cold rain hits my face and mixes with my salty tears. I am shaking all over, but not from the chill of the night air. It is what has transpired tonight that has given me pause to question... to question the path we both tread upon. ------------------------------------------- The sound of the automatic echoes off the warehouse walls. A woman screams. More gun fire. I am running towards the sound when I hear words that hit me like a punch to the stomach. "Agent down!" There are five teams working this case. Ten agents. My mind can only think of one at this moment. Please don't let it be her. I run faster. My heart is in my throat. In my panic, it's all I can do not to yell her name out. Not very professional. And God help me if she didn't answer. As I get closer, I can hear a woman sobbing. Then I round the corner. The search for my partner is over. Scully's standing right in front of me, very much alive and intact. Thank you, God! My heart can start beating again. "What the hell happened?" I ask, trying to catch my breath and still my shaking hands. "The perp took him out. He was dead before he hit the ground." She answers but can't tear her eyes away from the drama playing out just a few yards away. I can see the body now. "Christ." His partner was the woman who'd screamed, the one crying now as she holds his bloodied remains. She's begging him to come back to her. I knew them both, but not well. They kept to themselves. He'd occasionally hit the gym for a little hoops over the lunch hour... wasn't half bad, actually. I heard he played in college. Her, I talked to only once. Briefly. Her partner had had his eyes on me the entire time. It was an innocent conversation about the lack of decent coffee afforded to government employees. I joked that it sounded like an X-File conspiracy. She laughed, but I think that I made her feel uncomfortable. I think everyone made her feel uncomfortable... except him. If the rumors were true, and I suspect that they were, these two had been more than partners for quite some time. They'd taken the risk... not that it mattered to the Bureau. They were both outstanding field agents who understood what was required of them during office hours. The gossip had grown out of observations of subtle behaviors. A look shared, the way they always watched each other, how comfortable they seemed to be disregarding the other's personal space. I suppose the same can be said about me and my partner. Although, I hope it's not that obvious...but we're not involved. I won't let that happen. She's my partner and best friend. I respect her too much to fuck her. Not that I don't think about it... a lot... all the time. It won't happen, though. She means too much to me. I would never risk it. Jesus, this is a crazy business we're in. Putting our asses on the line over and over again. Knowing full well by the end of the day we could end up laying in a puddle of our own blood, or watching someone we care about die before our eyes. Hell if I know what drives us to do what we do. It goes against all common sense. I know what demons brought me here. I don't know or want to even guess what character defects called the others to this insane life. Someone should console her. But what can any of us really do? Her lover is dead. Her partner, her friend, the one she trusted with everything, is dead. He was the one supposed to comfort her in times of grief. He was the one supposed to hold her when she cried. He was the one supposed to dry her tears and make it better. What can any of us do except offer our condolences. But she doesn't want that... she wants him back. I hate myself for this, but I'm just grateful it was someone else. That it wasn't me. And mostly, that it wasn't my partner. I couldn't do what I do without her by my side. The coroner arrives for the body. Someone should take her to a hospital. I think she's in shock. They have to drag her away from him. Absolutely heart wrenching. I turn away, unwilling to watch any more of this poor woman's suffering. And I'm just in time to catch a glimpse of my partner making a hasty exit. Of course I go after her. ------------------------------------------- "Scully!" I stop when I hear him call my name, but I don't turn around. His footsteps splash on the pavement as he rushes to catch up with me. I feel his firm grip on my arm, pulling me out of the storm and under the cover of a doorway. All the businesses are closed at this hour. We are alone on the deserted street. With the rain off my face, I suddenly realize how hard I'm crying. So does Mulder. Concern sweeps his features. "Scully, what is it?" I can't tell him. I want to, but I can't. To say the words would violate the secret, unspoken pact we've made to hide this one truth... while we seek so many others. I wish he hadn't come after me. I wish he would have let me deal with this on my own. I'm too vulnerable right now. It's dangerous for me to have him so close. Just an arms length away. I have to step back. "I'm sorry, Mulder, I...it was just a little too real back there, you know?" He nods. He seems to consider something, I see it briefly in his eyes, and then it's gone again. There is a long, uncomfortable silence between us... the place where so many things should be said. In the end, as is always the way with us, nothing is discussed. He simply reaches out and wipes the tears from my face. We're both cold from the rain and colder from what has happened tonight. I still can't stop shivering. "Come on, Scully. Let me take you home. You need to change out of those damp clothes." He tugs at my sleeve and I follow him obediently out into the rain. ------------------------------------------- Since the incident, the tension between Scully and me has been palpable. She can't even bring herself to look me in the face. Though I can certainly understand her being upset over Agent Steven's death... the whole thing with his partner wasn't easy to watch. What I'm not quite sure about is why she is suddenly uncomfortable around me. She's always guarded her pain like a dark secret that no one should ever see. Fine. Whatever nightmare haunts her now, it seems she is determined not to tell me. The shooting has certainly given me my share of nightmares this week. I've been waking in a cold sweat almost every night since it happened. It's always her blood that spills in my nightmares, and her body they take away in that bag. Not that it's unusual for me to dream of Scully being taken from me. After all that's happened over the years, it's understandable that I should have certain anxieties in that regard. Scully's death, or disappearance, are recurring themes to my night reveries that I've learned to cope with. It's just unusual for me to have so many in a row. Today is the funeral. Maybe the closure of that ceremony will bring an end to the distress that's been plaguing us all week. I think I'd be doing better if Scully wasn't so upset. Something's really wrong. Though we knew those people, her degree of emotional distress doesn't quite fit, making me wonder... I can't help but wonder if I'm responsible. Although, I don't know what it is I might have done. ********* She's waiting out in front of her apartment when I pull up. Just standing there under her umbrella in the rain. Damn it! I check my watch. I'm actually ten minutes early for a change. At least I hope I am. Shit! Maybe I got her message wrong. I pull up to the curb and Scully gets in. "I'm sorry..." I begin. "For what?" She snaps. Good question. For whatever, for everything, for your abduction, your cancer, for that damn chip in your neck, for your dead sister, for your stolen ova, for Emily, for the fucking bee... And while I'm apologizing... for ditching you, nearly killing you, ruining your career, making you lie for me, dragging you along on my personal quest, doubting your loyalty, forgetting your birthday... and anything and everything before, after or in between that I've done to cause you a moments pain or unhappiness. And the desk. I'm sorry I never got you a desk. "Mulder! I said for what?" "Ah... I was late?" "You were actually early." "Why were you waiting out in the rain then?" She sighs. "I don't know," she responds, shrugging. "Just needed to get out of my apartment, I guess." Well, at least she's not mad at me. I pull the car back out into traffic. On the drive to St. Luke's, Scully doesn't utter a single word. She just stares out the passenger window watching the steady rainfall. I try to break the silence between us but nothing seems appropriate. So nothing is said. She still won't look at me. I can't help but wonder if she isn't contemplating leaving me again. The way she reacted when Stevens went down makes me think maybe she's decided to get out while she still can. When she shuts herself off like this I know she's thinking about something big. I wouldn't blame her if she did decide to go. Maybe she's finally made up her mind that she wants that normal life. The one I can't give her. The one with the house and the kids and the ordinary jobs...the life without aliens, mutants, monsters and dangerous conspirators trying to kill her. I want it for her too. But I don't know what I'd do if she ever left. ------------------------------------------- I can't believe I walked out in the middle of the service. Half the damn Bureau was in attendance and I make a complete spectacle of myself. Poor Mulder, he must have been embarrassed beyond belief. I started weeping like a baby when Nicole McAllister rose to give the eulogy. And just in case somebody happened to miss the show of my tears, I stand up and run out of the church. Skinner's going to put me on a forced LOA if I don't pull myself together. This should not be affecting me so severely. Another walk in the rain. This time I'm determined Mulder won't catch up to me. I left my umbrella in his car. Along with my cell phone, damn it! Checking behind me to assure myself my partner isn't tailing, I hurry to a pay phone in the parking lot of the QuikMart and call for a cab. It's not a very nice thing to do to Mulder, but he'll just have to consider it pay back for all the times he's ditched me. I felt like I was suffocating in that church. It's the same feeling that chased me from my apartment earlier. I was drowning in a vat of my emotions, struggling desperately for a breath of air amid the chaos of my thoughts. Sitting in that church, I kept visualizing it was Mulder inside the flower draped casket. The more I tried to push that one single image out of my head, the clearer it became. It didn't matter that I could see and feel him sitting right beside me and very much alive. I've become terribly morbid in my thoughts over the last few days. I just can't seem to stop myself from dwelling on the possibility that it could have happened to us. How would I go on without him? And how could I face another day knowing I would spend the rest of my life alone... his widow? It's come down to that. I know there will never be another man in my life. Mulder is the one. Though I may never know the taste of his kiss, the caress of his gentle hands on my naked flesh, or the feel of our bodies joined as one, Mulder is my love and my life. I always told myself that if it was meant to be it would happen. That when we were both ready, we'd know. I believed that until I saw the look in Nicole McAllister's eyes the night her partner lied dead in her arms. How could I possible go on if I was her and knew that all my hope had ended? What could life offer me without him to share it with? Every day of my existence would be filled with regrets...regrets for missed opportunities to share the love I am certain we both feel. I couldn't even seek comfort in my memories of him without the ache of what never was and what never would be. I can't stand this anymore. I just can't stand it! ------------------------------------------- The hardest thing was seeing her run from that church in tears and not being able to follow her. How could I? How would it look if I rushed off to comfort my emotional wreck of a partner in front of half the fucking Hoover Building? This is so not like her. Scully is normally a rock. I've seen her take things in stride that should have devastated her. I know the kind of horror required to break her and it's not a simple shooting. Even if it was a fellow agent, she's a hell of a lot stronger then that. As soon as the funeral ended I was out the door. I was hoping to find her waiting for me outside but I looked everywhere and she was gone. I tried to call her on her cell phone and got no answer. It wasn't until I got in my car to leave that I realized she'd left the damn thing on the seat along with her umbrella. I called her apartment and got her answering machine. I was becoming frantic at this point. I still didn't have a clue what was bothering her. And now all I could think about was her wandering out there somewhere in the pouring rain, soaked to the skin, and in a very fragile state of mind. So,I did the only thing I could think to do. I called her mother on the odd chance that Scully had taken refuge someplace safe and familiar. Her mother answered on the second ring. "Hello?" "Mrs. Scully? This is Fox Mulder. Um... by any chance did you happen to hear from Dana today?" There was a brief pause and when she finally answered her voice was a hushed whisper. "What's going on Fox? Dana got here a little while ago and she's been crying ever since she arrived. I can't even get her to tell me what's wrong! I was worried something might have happen to you." "I'm not really sure what's got her so upset. We were attending the funeral of a fellow agent and she just fell apart and took off on me. I'm glad she's there with you. Would it be all right if I came over to talk with her?" "Fox, of course! You're always welcome in my home. You're family." I have to smile at that. Maggie Scully has always made a place for me as if I were one of her own. "Thank you. I'm in the car right now. I'm only about fifteen minutes away." "I'll tell Dana you're coming." As I hung up, I wondered if I wasn't making a big mistake. Maybe Scully didn't want to see me. She'd gone to her mother seeking comfort, not to me. It really wasn't my place to interfere. But how could I just ignore this? Whatever else we might be to each other, Scully and I are friends. A friend is allowed to care. And I have to know what's bothering her. On the drive to her mother's place I imagined all the worst. She was sick again... Oh, God please don't let it be that. She was leaving and was struggling with how to tell me... Better than dying, but selfishly I felt, not by much. Maybe she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown after all the shit she'd been through since she came to work with me on the X-Files... Well, that was certainly understandable. She was secretly having an affair with Stevens and... okay, that's probably reaching a bit farther than is plausible. I pressed the accelerator harder. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to know. ------------------------------------------- My mother must think I'm losing my mind. Maybe I finally am. I actually locked myself in my old bedroom. I came here because I didn't know where else to go. I was lost and afraid and all I could think to do was go home. I don't know why I didn't go back to my apartment. This house hasn't really been my home for more than fifteen years. I guess I just wanted the feeling of safety this place used to represent. It's true you can't go home again. I was a fool to think I could hide from my problems here. I'm not a little girl anymore, but damn if I don't feel like one right now. I was sitting in the living room on the sofa, crying my eyes out, when my mother got a phone call. A few minutes later she came to tell me Mulder was on his way. Damn that man! Did he have to know me so well that he knew where I would go when even I didn't? It certainly didn't take him long to track me down. I can't face him like this, not after running out on him at the funeral. Besides, everything is all stirred up inside me right now. There's no telling what might come tumbling out. I did what any rational, reasonable, mature adult would do in this situation. I ran upstairs to my room and locked myself inside, refusing to answer my mother's pleas to open the door. It wasn't long before I heard a knock followed by the voice I'd come to know better than any other. "Scully? Are you all right?" When I didn't answer he tried again. "Scully, It's me. Open the door." I couldn't bring myself to say anything to him. I just laid there on my bed and listened, waiting for him to speak again. "Scully?" He waited. The next time he spoke I could hear the panic creeping into his voice. "Scully, would you answer me at least?" And when I still offered no reply he pounded on the door. "Damn it, Scully! You're scaring me! If you don't open this door in the next ten seconds I'm going to break it down!" I had no doubt that he would indeed do as he said. To preserve my mother's home, I quickly made my way to the door and unlocked it. ------------------------------------------- I'm about two seconds away from kicking in the damn door when I hear the click of the lock. For a minute there I was afraid she might have done something crazy. I'd worked myself into this state of panic on the way over, and her continued silence had helped to completely unnerve me. Opening the door, I found her standing in the middle of the room with her back to me. She's looking at the floor and hugging herself. I close the door behind me and step closer. God, what could this be? What has turned my 'tough as nails' little partner into a bundle of tears and uncontrollable emotions? "Scully, what's going on?" "Please... I can't." She shakes her head but doesn't move to look at me. "Is it me? Have I done something?" "Mulder...God, Mulder, please! Just go away. You didn't do anything. Just go. I want to be alone." "I'm not going to go until you tell me what's got you so upset." She starts crying again. I'm at her side in two quick steps. Enough of this! I grab her arm, maybe a little rougher than I had intended, and spin her around to face me. "Tell me!" I demand of her. I don't care if her mother hears me yelling. At this point, I'm beyond caring about anything save for learning what I'm certain is a devastating secret that Scully is trying to hide from me. She finally looks up. I realize, now, it wasn't that she was afraid to look into my eyes, she was afraid to have me look into hers. Dana Scully has lost her armor and she stands naked before me. ------------------------------------------ ...concluded in (2/2) "No Regrets" by TBishop27