Searching For Unicorns
by tbishop27@aol.com  
This is a post ep. Vignette for Biogenesis.  It is just some thoughts 
from Scully's POV.
Rated PG for mild language
Archive:  Yes, Just tell me so I can visit.
Spoilers:  I won't be held responsible here.  Yes!
Disclaimer:  Forgive me Mr. C for taking what isn't mine.  I promise 
you and your attorneys can share all the profits from my crime.  How 
do you divide zero again?   (Flames will be forwarded to that dark 
part of my writer's imagination that roams the night in search of 
victims.)



                    Searching For Unicorns
      

Alone.

God, I feel so alone at this moment.  There is no one I can turn to.  
No one who can help.  The deeper I dig in this case the more 
frightened I become. I want to stop.  I want to hide.  I want to wake 
up and have it all go away but I know that it won't.  I know that I 
must continue, in spite of my fears, for Mulder's sake.  He needs me. 
 I must find the means to save him.  Although I am terrified of 
knowing this truth that I seek.  It is something so much bigger than I 
am, so much bigger than all of us put together.  The answers I need 
can only be found in the very origins of life of the human species. 
Who is God?  What is God?  Is this what my partner has finally sent me 
in search of?  No problem, Mulder, I'll find God for you if that's 
what it takes.  Of course Mulder doesn't mean in a spiritual sense.  
He needs me to find out, literally, who God is.  How can I refuse him? 
Less than a year ago he traveled half way around the planet to save 
me, risking it all in an act of selfless devotion.  It's payback time. 
I worry that I'm not up to the task.  Of course, I won't let that stop 
me.  Nothing can. 

I will fight to my dying breath for Mulder.  He would do the same for 
me.  

We are quite a pair, Mulder and I.  Mr. and Mrs. Spooky.  Other agents 
are actually afraid of us.  Our investigations into the paranormal 
tend to give most sane people a serious case of the creeps.  I don't 
think it helps our image any that our office is in the basement of the 
Hoover building.  I use to feel very uncomfortable working with Mulder 
on the X-files, almost embarrassed at times.  I knew the way people 
thought of him, he's out there, half crazy, dangerously unstable.  My 
embarrassment turned to anger the more I got to know and care about 
Mulder, anger at him for being so damned willing to accept the 
extreme.  I didn't want people to laugh at him, laugh at us, anymore. 
 And then I fell in love with him, and all I wanted to do was protect 
him.  Protect him from the ridicule that I knew was sure to follow 
whenever he expounded one of his radical theories.  I made it my 
mission to validate his work, no matter how impossible that was.  

And then it happened.  I suddenly found myself believing in him, not 
just trusting him but actually believing the wild postulations he 
surmised.  I even found myself looking for the unicorns without 
Mulder's prompting on a case or two.  I had seen too much in my years 
attached to the X-files.  I was a changed woman.  The evolution had 
not been easy, in fact, it had literally damned near killed me on 
several occasions and almost drove me insane before it was finally 
complete.  But now here I am.  And I am him.  God help me, I have 
become Fox Mulder, or at least the short red-haired female version of 
him.  It wasn't an intentional, volitional or even acceptable 
transformation from my perspective.  I fought it kicking and screaming 
the whole way.  But I am altered nevertheless and I must come to terms 
with what I have become.  Spooky?  Okay, yes, I can see how someone 
might perceive me as such.  I certainly carry around a lot of ghosts 
these days.  When I look in the mirror I hardly recognize the person 
looking back at me.  She is older, yes, there's an ugly truth.  She 
dresses well but the clothes reflect the dark and mysterious woman who 
wears them.  Her vibrant red hair is less styled and almost tousled 
although it's still well groomed.  She has quite a collection of 
scars, both physical and emotional, that she's accumulated over the 
last seven years.  Her eyes are still a striking blue but they are 
haunted and tired, they volunteer too much of her inner pain.  She is 
tenebrous, sullen, pensive.  Okay, yeah, spooky.  Well, who the hell 
wouldn't be after seven years working in the dark, living in the 
shadows, afraid to trust anyone, knowing that the truth you seek is 
being held just beyond your grasp, and finding that the control you 
once thought you had over your life was nothing more than an illusion? 
 Yes, I did mean 'afraid to trust anyone'.  This included Mulder on 
some level for a long time.  I was afraid to trust him completely.  He 
had a tendency to keep secrets from me.  Now I know he was only trying 
to protect me.  

And then there were women.  Mulder's women.  My jealousy prevented me 
from trusting him with my heart.  These women of Mulder's had driven a 
wedge between us for years.  I had no right to expect fidelity from 
him but deep down I did.  And it was a two way street. Mulder didn't 
handle other men in my life with grace either.  Of course, that may 
have been more out of fear than jealousy.  The men I attract or am 
attracted to could make a nice collection on a mental ward.  Oh, God! 
 Why did I have to go there?  Mulder.  But he's not crazy, he's sick. 
 Something has effected his mind and if I can figure out its secret I 
can maybe make things right again for him.  For us.

And so I stand here with my feet in the sand on the West Coast of 
Africa with the warm surf lapping at my ankles.  Alone.  Searching for 
unicorns.  And as I look down into the crystal water I am staring in 
the face of God.  And I alone have been tasked with discovering the 
truth of this metallic sphere shimmering beneath the waters edge.  
Others have tried and met death for their efforts.  I am not afraid of 
death.  We have become well acquainted over the years.  That is not to 
say that I would embrace the grim reaper without a hell of a fight 
first. 
 
I just won't let the threat of death stand in the way of my 
obligations to Mulder.  He is counting on me and me alone. I'm his one 
in five billion, he's told me so himself.  If I fail, I will lose him 
forever to this artifact that has taken over his mind.  I would not 
want to see the reflection of the woman I would become if that were 
the case.  I would welcome and even court death at that point.  I 
can't fail Mulder.  I must save him from his suffering. 
 
I will succeed.  

                                                       Fini