Best Friends: In the Future by T Bishop Rated: NC-17 Category: MSR Disclaimer: Any resemblance to the characters created by Chris Carter are purely intentional. Summary: What does the future hold for Mulder and Scully? Author's Note: This is the seventh and final installment in the Best Friends series. It is NOT necessary for you to have read any of the prior installments as they each are written to stand alone. But they are connected, so you might enjoy this more if you have the background of the other stories. You can find all previous installments on my personal archive page listed below. The stories in this series are as follows: Best Friends: 1) Mulder's Girlfriend 2) The Date 3) Sleeping Over 4) Work Ethics 5) Jealousy 6) Blood and Water 7) In the Future I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this one out to you. So many have written and asked when and if there would be more, and I know I kept putting you off with the promise that the next one was on the way... forgive me. It's done now. I hope you enjoy it. And thank you for all the wonderful letters of encouragement. Feedback: Please send it to my NEW addy - tbishop27@mindspring.com Thanks to David, Shoshana, Shell, Brigitte and my Smut-sis Char for inspiration and beta. And, as always, to Grasshopper for keeping up the archive. You can find all my stories archived at The Literary G-Spot http://members.xoom.com/arcticfox42/Tbishop.htm or try The Literary G-Spot Mirror http://tbishop.freeservers.com/ BEST FRIENDS: In the Future (Part 1 of 3) When Frohike told me, I couldn't get over there fast enough. I flew out of my apartment, taking the stairs two and three at a time, because the thought of waiting even twenty seconds for the elevator seemed unbearably long to me. I drove like a maniac, breaking every posted speed limit, and running three stop lights along the way. I was across town when it finally dawned on me that I'd run out on my friend, leaving him there in the middle of my living room... Not until I'm standing on Maggie Scully's front porch, does the full realization hit me; and I find myself nearly doubled over with the shock of it. I stand there clutching the door frame and trying very hard not to hyperventilate. I'm certain I didn't knock, or maybe I did - my mind is too dazed by the impact of what I have just learned to comprehend anything with a reasonable amount of certitude right now; but suddenly the door opens and I am looking down into the concerned face of Margaret Scully. "Fox? Are you all right?" My pale appearance impels her to put a motherly hand on my cheek. Fighting back tears, I somehow manage to get the words out. "Where is she?" For the better part of a year, I've lived without her, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing all those months ago when I moved out of her apartment and broke off our relationship. It was more than our relationship though - our partnership ended that day as well... also at my request. The look on Scully's face when I told her it was over, when I told her I was involved with someone else, I'll never forget. The devastation and betrayal that I saw as I looked into her eyes, shimmering with tears, still haunts me - and I know it always will. I broke her heart. Another successful foray into intimacy for Fox Mulder... Jesus Christ - How could I do that to her? After all our years together. She stood by me through the worst of times. She never failed me. A better and truer friend, I couldn't hope to find if I lived a thousand lifetimes. The woman loved me in spite of all that I'd put her through over the years. My partner - in every aspect of the word. And how do I thank her? By starting a love affair with her and then refusing to really commit, by destroying her trust in me, by pushing her away, by abandoning her for my own selfish reasons. It WASN'T the right thing, but it was all I was capable of at the time. "Dana's up in her room. Come in, Fox. I'll let her know you're here." Maggie has to literally pull me into her home, guiding me to a chair in her living room and encouraging me to sit, before disappearing upstairs to give her daughter the bad news. When she returns so quickly, I fully expect rejection - to hear that Scully refused to have anything to do with me - I deserve Scully's rebuff, but that's not the case. "Come on," she whispers, the hint of a smile softening her worried features. Leading me to her daughter's room, Maggie gives my arm a squeeze of reassurance as she opens the door. I enter alone, pounding heart suddenly moving up into my throat. Even though I believed Frohike when he told me, my mouth still drops open as I take in the sight of her propped up against a mountain of pillows, the bed covers tented over her bent knees. I hear a small sound and find myself drawn in closer. Before I know what's hit me, I'm looking down in wonder at the tiny new life on Scully's lap. When I am capable of speech, only one word comes to mind, "How?" "An extreme possibility. A miracle. A gift from God. There's a scientific medical explanation, but I like to believe his conception wasn't just random luck." "A boy?" In my peripheral vision I catch Scully's nod; I can't tear my eyes away from the sight of my newborn son. MY son. "His name is Daniel. Daniel William... " her voice trails off as I reach out for the amazingly perfect miniature hand that just found it's way out of the swaddling of blankets. As soon as I touch his soft new skin, five delicate fingers put a death hold grip around my thumb. I'm struck by his strength, and overwhelmed by the idea that I had a part in the creation of something as unbelievably beautiful as this child. I have a son. "Do you want to hold him?" Scully's question is simple enough, but do I dare? Do I have any right to such a privilege? I wasn't there to support her through her pregnancy, or even to comfort her during childbirth. What right do I have to come here now and claim this baby as mine and marvel in his life? Unfortunately, Scully takes my hesitancy as a sign of disinterest. With a sigh, she tells me, "Mulder, I want you to know that I didn't list you as the father on his birth certificate. In no way do I expect any kind of support or involvement from you in Daniel's upbringing. There isn't a need for you to feel a sense of obligation or responsibility. I'm more than capable of raising this child on my own." The cold no-nonsense tone she chooses to deliver her words, tells me everything I need to know. During our separation Scully has rebuilt the walls around her heart that for years kept our relationship platonic. How can I blame her though? After what I did to her, it's in her own best interest to shield herself from me. "Scully, if you need anything..." The baby starts to fuss, and he lets go of my hand. Could it be that he senses his mother's emotional constraint where I am concerned? Does some instinctual wisdom tell him that I am an enemy, one to be feared? "I don't need anything from you." Scully says it softly as she tries to quiet Daniel, but I know she'd like to scream it at me at the top of her lungs. I can feel the bitterness she carries inside. "I'm sorry this happened." Her laughter is harsh. "I'm not." She shifts the baby around in her arms and settles him close to her breast. "Please go now, Mulder. I have to feed my son." Our eyes meet briefly, and I try to show her my remorse. I receive only a dispassionate dismissal in reply. And then her attention returns to the baby. The last image I have of her is one so beautiful it fills my eyes with tears. Scully, suckling our newborn babe, the morning sunlight streaming in her bedroom window, bathing mother and child in the promise of a new day, a new future... without me. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mulder's visit this morning left me an emotional wreck the rest of the day. And these damn hormones aren't making it very easy to pull myself back together. I need to be strong for my son. I'm all he has, and I don't want him to think his mother isn't in control of her life. It's bad enough I had to move in with his grandmother - when you're pregnant it's somewhat difficult to find anyone willing to take you seriously as a prospective employee. I suppose I should have stayed with the Bureau, transferred to another department; but the controversy of a knocked up Agent Scully leaving the X-Files division would have been too much to bear. And I really didn't want Mulder to know. He made his choice. For whatever reasons, he decided he wanted me out of his life. I didn't want him hovering around me out of some guilt-ridden sense of obligation while I puked my way through the first half of my pregnancy. Or offering me marriage to assuage his feelings of culpability. I wouldn't have trusted myself in the emotional Missy was always fond of that saying... 'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never really was.' Well, my sister would be proud of me. I've set him free. I don't expect he'll return to me, at least not for the right reasons... and I won't take him back for anything less. As I watch my son sleeping peacefully in my arms, I can't stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I wish they were tears of joy for this beautiful new life that Mulder and I have created, but they're not. I'm filled with sadness as I look upon Daniel's sweet angelic face. Sadness, because I want to give him everything, I want his life to be wonderful and happy and filled with love, and already I've failed him. He has no father. I think back to the day I found out I was expecting. Some doctor I am; I thought I had the flu. Imagine my shock when I went to my physician and he informed me that my illness would last approximately nine months and result in the delivery of a (hopefully) healthy baby boy or girl. I made him run the test three times before I would believe his diagnosis. And, even then, I considered going for a second opinion. Apparently, the procedure that was used to harvest my ova wasn't 100 percent. Surprise. After I got over the shock, the panic set in. Mulder and I had been struggling with our new living arrangement. Under pressure from me, he had agreed to move into my apartment. But his heart wasn't in it... and neither were most of his belongings - which he kept back at HIS apartment, stubbornly refusing to give up the lease. He claimed he wanted to move in gradually, avoid the awkward stress of trying to cram all of his stuff into my life at once. 'You've got the important thing, Scully. You've got me.' That's what he said, and for a while I fooled myself into believing it was true. For a while. Until it became undeniably obvious that Mulder was holding back, that he wasn't comfortable or happy with our new status as live-ins, and that our relationship was in serious trouble. Then suddenly, there I was, pregnant. I had no idea how he would take the news. And I never got the chance to find out. Timing, as they say, is everything. And Mulder's was decisively perfect. While I was wasting most of the afternoon in the waiting room at the clinic, my partner had been a busy bee. I returned home to find him packing the last of his possessions into the trunk of his car. And as we stood there on the sidewalk in front of my apartment, he gave a well rehearsed speech about how sorry he was, but that things just weren't working for him, and how he'd met someone else and wanted to pursue a relationship with her. And then he delivered the death blow... 'Scully, I don't think we can be partners anymore. This history between us will undoubtedly cause friction in our working relationship. It's better if we go our separate ways. You understand, don't you?' I didn't understand at all. But through my anguish, I could hear my sister's words as clearly as if she were standing right beside me speaking them. 'Let him go, Dana. Set him free.' I could have told him right then and there about the baby - He would never have been able to leave me then. But I wanted him to stay because he LOVED me, not because honor bound him to it. And so I watched Mulder drive away, and I swore to myself I would somehow find the strength to face the future without him. And now I hold that future in my arms. A boy. A precious little baby boy that looks so much like Mulder already I wonder how I will ever be able to keep his paternity a secret. My mother knows, of course - I had to tell her. And the Gunmen... well, Frohike, but I assume he's told his compatriots by now. You see, I had the misfortune of going into labor while I was taking a walk (or rather, a waddle), around the neighborhood for exercise. I had no idea the contractions would come on so sudden and be that strong. Trying to make my way back to my mother's house, I was intercepted by her elderly neighbor Mrs. McNeely. When she discovered that my mother was off at the market and that I was planning on driving myself to the hospital, she insisted on calling an ambulance. I was more than irritated at the time - however, in retrospect, her judgment in the matter was far better than mine. I delivered Daniel enroute. The EMT's name was Dan. It was his first day on the job... thank God he didn't tell me that until afterwards. I was in too much pain to notice his hands shaking. But somehow we all managed to get through it just fine. And Dan was very happy that I'd chosen him as the baby's namesake for his heroism. Anyway, long story short, Frohike heard my name on the scanner, and was waiting at Georgetown Memorial when they rolled me off the ambulance. Doped up on pain meds and overwhelmed from the experience I had just been through, when I spoke to Frohike later in my room, I confessed all. I'm sure that's how Mulder found out. I swear, if next month's issue of 'The Lone Gunmen' has a birth announcement in it... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I always promised myself that if I ever became a father I would NOT be the kind of absent, detached parent MY father was. I would make every effort to instill in my child the feeling that he or she was loved and wanted. I swore to myself a million times over that no child of mine would grow up in an unhappy, dysfunctional home - like the one I endured in my youth. My child would have a REAL father, a supportive, caring, loving role model. Someone to take him to baseball games and help him with his homework. My child would never doubt his self-worth because he would find the approval he sought every time he looked into his father's eyes. Fate, it would seem, has a twisted sense of humor. Since I first laid eyes on my son I've been haunted by memories from my own childhood. Memories of my relationship with a man who, for whatever reason, could not or would not love me, despite the fact that he called me his son. Painful remembrances of a lonely, confusing, despondent upbringing where I blamed myself for the love I didn't receive. Looking back, I can't recall a time when the relationship between my parents wasn't strained. They never displayed affection toward each other. And their frequent arguments were bitter and often violent. I think their divorce was more painful for me than it was for them. I imagined a loss they probably never even felt. These memories are not what I want for my son. I don't want him to be ashamed of who he is or where he comes from. Scully expects me to let him grow up thinking his father didn't want him, didn't love him enough to acknowledge his patrimonial responsibilities? She would have our son believe that I would deny him my name? I know she wants to hurt me - and I don't blame her for that, but she's hurting Daniel too; and for that reason alone, I have to try and change her mind. And then there is the other consideration that has me once again driving through this familiar Georgetown neighborhood, my destination a modest home on Williamsburg Avenue. Dana Katherine Scully. She may hate me for what I have done to her, but seeing her yesterday made me realize that I've been kidding myself thinking that I could ever really live without her. She is as vital to my life as the air I breathe. There's no use pretending otherwise. I need Scully. I've been slowly dying all these months without her. Though it is arrogant and selfish of me to hope for a reconciliation with her, I have to believe that it's not too late to win her forgiveness. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX After all this time he thinks he can reenter my life because it suits him now to do so. When for months I waited, hoping and praying that he would call, and I never heard a word, not one word from him. Now, because he knows about Daniel and his conscience is nagging him, I get two visits in less than twenty-four hours. I won't even let him in the house this time. Instead, we take our discussion outside, where my mother won't be able to overhear what is bound to be one hell of a fight if he thinks I'm going to let him anywhere near my son. Arms folded defensively over my chest, I glare at him, daring him to answer. "Why are you here, Mulder?" His incredulous laughter only fuels my contempt. "I think we need to talk, don't you?" "I already told you. You're off the hook." "What if I don't want to be? Daniel is just as much mine as he is yours and I..." "Whoa whoa whoa! Where in the hell are you getting that from?! Just because you contributed a little genetic material, Mulder, it doesn't give you right of ownership! I carried him in my womb for nine months, nurturing and loving him even before he was born..." "You never gave me that chance, Scully. If I had known about the baby, I would have loved him all those months too. I would have found ways to be involved in your pregnancy. You can't blame me for something that I had no control over... Why didn't you tell me?" "You hurt me, Mulder. I trusted you... and you hurt me. I was brokenhearted and lost, devastated that my best friend had abandoned me - betrayed me in a way that I never would have believed you capable, but I wasn't so desperate that I would use my pregnancy as a means of trapping you in a relationship you didn't want. I have more pride than that." Shamed by my words, Mulder hangs his head. "I know I screwed up, Scully..." I am too filled with resentment to offer him pity. "Yeah, you did. Big time, Mulder - you screwed up. And so did I, by trusting you in the first place." Though we are standing only a few feet apart, the distance between us has never been greater. It's difficult to hold back the tears, but I don't want Mulder to know how much I still care, so I fight the emotions welling inside me, determined to deny him any evidence of the love I feel - or the sorrow that consumes me as I look upon this penitent man. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of knowing I continue to hold a place for him in my heart. His remorse, while genuine, is motivated by guilt, not love. When he finds it within himself to look me in the eyes again, he doesn't hide his own pain. Steeling myself against his tears, I remind myself how cold those same eyes looked when I desperately searched them for affection the day he walked out on me. "How can I fix this? What can I do? Scully, please tell me. I want you in my life again. I want to be a good father to my son." "MY son, Mulder, not yours. Mine." His frustration gets the better of him and he grabs my arms, managing to stop himself just short of shaking me in anger. "Don't do this!" "I want you to leave. Now." My reply is willfully calm, though it takes an incredible effort not to betray the excitement I feel at his touch. He lets me go, realizing the mistake he's made. I can see him mentally kicking himself for losing control. And then he stares at me, as if he doesn't know what to do next, tearing me apart with those sorrowful eyes. "Scully, please... " He's not going to do this to me. I'm not going to let him play on my sympathies. I have a right to be angry, damn it! Before he can use that pleading puppy-eyed look to con me out of the fury that is justifiably mine, I turn my back on him and go inside, leaving Mulder alone with his guilt, and I hope, a little bit of the heartache that has been mine all these long, lonely months. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX ...Her back arches off the mattress and she calls out my name, an orgasm taking her as I watch with utter fascination the beauty of her passion. Scully. My gorgeous, incredible, sexy as hell partner... Jesus, what it does to me to watch her come! My sweaty body pleads with me to let go, taut muscles trembling from being held back, screaming at me to give in to the need and pound away at her with reckless abandon. My cock is driven to the point of throbbing as she contracts around it, the tight, wet, silken heat of her making me ache for more. But I will not give in to my own desire until she lies flushed and sated beneath me. The pleasure of seeing her this way is something I have always cherished. Knowing that I am the one that takes her to this place is the most extraordinary ego rush. Dana Scully comes for me, because of me, only for me. And when she returns to herself, she looks up at my awed expression with fiery eyes that burn only for me, and in the sultriest of voices demands, 'Now I want to watch YOU come, Mulder. Do it. Come for me. Do it now.' Christ Almighty, that voice alone nearly puts me over! And then, my little G-woman-turned-seductress thrusts her hips upward and clenches the muscles that hold my cock within her, and I can't deny myself another second. I pound into her over and over and over until I'm certain I'll split her in two. But she's right there with me, taking all the punishment I can dish out, and seemingly loving it every bit as much as I am... Why in the hell did I send her away? How could I let go of something as spectacular as what we shared? She was perfect. And she was mine. And she loved me. And I threw her away. I hurt her. And now there's a child. A consequence of our intimacy. A life brought into this world because we loved each other so many months ago. Scully gave birth to my son. And I wasn't there. Not for any of it. I never saw how beautiful she looked, round and glowing with expectant motherhood. I wasn't with her when she heard his heartbeat for the very first time, or saw the ultrasound pictures of the new little life growing within her. I wasn't there to comfort her through the morning sickness, and the aches and pains of pregnancy. Or to reassure her, when she worried or got scared. I missed out on the joy of seeing my son born. I missed it all. And I miss her... "Agent, are you feeling all right?" Skinner's voice breaks the silence of my office. I can't bring myself to face him with my tears, so I nod, keeping my head buried in my hands and hope like hell he'll go away and leave me alone. I hear the door shut and heavy footsteps approaching my desk. Figures. "Mulder? What's going on? You've been sulking for weeks. I've put up with your bouts of depression since Agent Scully quit, but your behavior lately has me very concerned." Why should I keep this a secret? The whole fucking world should know what kind of screw up I am. "Congratulate me," I say, tossing him the envelope with the pictures Maggie sent. "I'm a father." I look up, no longer caring whether he's witness to my weakness, wanting to see his horrified reaction, needing the satisfaction of being judged for my iniquity. His face is stone as he looks through the stack of photos - until he gets to the official one that the hospital photographer took... the one that records the baby's name and vital statistics. His jaw tightens, and I can see the anger building inside him. "Jesus, Mulder, is this why she left?" My reply is bitter with self-hatred, as I confess to Skinner the horrible sins I have committed against my partner. "No. She left because I asked her to go. I wanted out of our personal relationship and so I lied to her and I told her I was involved with somebody else. I told her I couldn't see us working together anymore either. I sent her away." "You walked out on her when she was carrying your child? What the hell is wrong with you!" "I didn't know about the baby. She never told me. I only found out a couple of weeks ago, just after Daniel was born. I went to see her, to see them both... Understandably, she wants nothing to do with me." "I don't believe that." He is resolute in his statement. "You can believe whatever the hell you want! Look at what I've done! For a man who claims to have dedicated his life to the truth, because of me, my own son is living a lie from the moment he's born! Scully kept my name off of his birth records. He'll grow up never knowing who his father is." "That doesn't have to happen. You can fix this, Mulder. And you damn well better. She doesn't deserve this. That woman stood by you through thick and thin. You owe her more." "I tried. She says she doesn't need anything from me. She told me to leave." Skinner shakes his head, less than impressed with my self-pity. "Since when did you ever do what you were told?" "Look, I appreciate your concern, especially on Scully's behalf, but I've destroyed any hope of ever having her back in my life. She hates me. I've lost her trust. I shattered her faith in me. And I've broken her heart... Besides, she looks at my attempts at reconciliation now as nothing but manifestations of my guilty conscience. She's never going to take me back." "If you've lost her trust, then you'll have to find a way to earn it back. Get your shit together, Mulder. That baby needs a father and Dana Scully deserves more respect from you than this." He hands me back the photos. "He's a cute kid. You must be proud as hell of him." Long after Walter Skinner has gone, his last words echo in my mind as I, again and again, look through the stack of pictures of my son. Before I left her house that first day, I asked Maggie if she wouldn't mind sending me photos of Daniel every once in a while. And she promised she would as long as her daughter had no objections. At least Scully couldn't find it in her heart to deny me this much. He IS cute, despite the fact that he looks an awful lot like me. Humph. Proud? How could I not be? ~End of Part 1 of 3~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEST FRIENDS: In the Future (Part 2 of 3) "Hey, Sis, Mom said it was all right for me to come up and have a peek at my new nephew." Bill stands in the doorway to my room, waiting for permission to enter. "Two minutes earlier and I would have put you on diaper detail," I tell him, welcoming him in with a smile and more than a little trepidation. This is the first I've seen or spoken to my brother since he was told about the baby. Mom spared me the details of the call, but I could tell by her demeanor after she hung up the phone, Bill didn't handle the news very well. He's here though. And so far he's being civil; but I expect any minute the lecturing will begin. "No, thanks." He comes over to stand beside me while I finish dressing Daniel on the bed, offering me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek in greeting. Then I slide Daniel nearer the edge, closer to us, so Bill can take stock of the newest member of the Scully family. He looks down at the baby, and for a moment he doesn't say anything. I know what he's thinking. I asked Mom not to tell Bill and Tara that Mulder was Daniel's father, but I'm sure my brother was suspicious of the lie. And one look at his nephew has likely removed any lingering doubts. I prepare myself for the inevitable 'I told you so' speech regarding my relationship with Mulder. He has every right, of course, but I pray he shows me mercy. "You know, you forget how tiny they start out. It's hard to believe Matthew was ever this small." And then he does something so sweet and unexpected that my eyes blur with tears. He leans down over Daniel and, kissing him on the forehead, says "Take it from your old Uncle Bill, Danny, you got lucky when it comes to moms." It's not often I receive a compliment from my big brother. In fact, I can't remember when the last time was. I don't even know how to respond to praise from Bill. As fate would have it though, I don't have to... Mom suddenly appears at the door, and the look on her face has my heart pounding faster even before she comes over to me and whispers what it is that's distressing her so. "Fox is downstairs," she tries to say it so that Bill won't hear, but big ears has his radar up. "I warned him that right now wasn't a good time, but he refuses to leave until he speaks with you." "I'll talk to that son of a bitch!" Bill is already half way down the hall, all of hell's fury guiding his steps. Mom runs after him, but I know even SHE won't be able to stop this fight from happening. I race after her, both of us chasing Bill down the stairs, shouting for him to stop! Mulder is waiting in the foyer, and Bill flies at him in a rage, knocking him into the wall and sending Mom's curio shelf and all it's fragile contents crashing to the floor. "I warned you if you broke my sister's heart, if you hurt her in any way, I'd come after you, you sorry bastard!" He's got Mulder's face pressed up against the wall, and one arm twisted hard behind his back. "In case you didn't realize, asshole, getting her pregnant and running out on her qualifies! Before I kick your ass out of this house for good, I'd just like to know, where you get off treating my baby sister like that, huh?!" Mulder isn't putting up much resistance. "Look, before you kill me, can I say what I came her to say?" "Bill, let him talk to Dana." Mom is trying to wedge her body in between the two men, as am I. Both of us working together, however, are no match for my furious brother. Thankfully, Bill remits on his own, letting go of Mulder and taking a step back. Mulder turns to me immediately. "Scully, I came here because..." he stops as we all hear the sound of something hitting the floor upstairs. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'm about to pour my heart out to Scully, right in front of her mother and brother, begging her to forgive me and take me back, when a noise from the floor above, and Maggie's fearful expression, stops me cold. "Dana, where's Daniel?" There is an unmistakable edge of panic in Maggie's voice. "God, Dana, you didn't leave him on the bed, did you?" her brother asks with equal alarm. Scully's gasp and distressed cry as she races up the stairs has me following close behind her. When she reaches the bedroom, a heartbeat ahead of me, she let's out a scream the likes of which I have never heard her issue. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Oh God! I see him now as she falls into the room and drops to her knees beside his tiny body. He's lying face down, he's not moving, he's not crying... Jesus, God, please let him be all right! Her hands are shaking so bad she can't find a pulse; and I share her horror as she carefully rolls him over and we discover he isn't breathing. Through her sobs, Scully performs CPR on our infant son, frantically trying to give him back the life that has vanished from his small body. Her mother kneels beside us now, crossing herself and muttering prayers through her own tears. "I called 911, they're on the way," Scully's brother tells us all, the phone still in his hand as he comes running into the room to witness the tragedy. Daniel is not responding. Scully's barely keeping it together enough to continue to administer CPR. As the minutes tick by, I'm imagining the worst - his neck is broken. Scully will know the pain of losing another child. I'm already grieving as I hear the distant siren grow louder until it finally stops out in front of the house. Seconds later, Bill leads a team of paramedics to the rescue. He's already informed them of what happened. Maggie and I have to pull Scully off Daniel so the EMT's can begin their work. No longer charged with a task, Scully can't stop herself from trying to run the code. The techs do not welcome her interference. And the scene that ensues is nothing short of a nightmare. Our son lies dead on the floor while Scully and the paramedics battle over procedure. The ride to the hospital is no better, as Scully forces herself into the ambulance and refuses to get out. I climb in and try to convince her to sit with me, but she shoves me away - she won't leave our son's side. All the way to the hospital the battle continues between Scully and the techs over Daniel's resuscitation. If I had any clue how to help, I would. But all I can do at this point is stay the hell out of the way and watch the drama unfold, hoping that all their valiant efforts aren't in vain, and that our little boy comes back to us. At the hospital, Daniel is whisked away. The ER docs, having heard Scully's behavior over the radio, refuse to let her in the trauma room. For a minute I think she's going to try and fight her way past the security guards, but she finally lets me guide her to a quiet corner of the waiting room where I offer her the comfort of my arms, but she turns away, determined to cope alone. Watching her body tremble as she quietly cries through the pain is more punishment than I can stand. She puts up a fight, but I am bigger and stronger and more resolved, pulling her into my arms and holding her tight. Realizing she is trapped, she collapses into my embrace, sobbing her remorse. "I killed him...I killed my baby! How could I be so careless? What kind of a mother leaves her newborn right on the edge of a bed where he can fall? He's dead! Oh, God, Mulder, he's dead! He's dead and it's all my fault!" Her fists pound against my chest in frustration. "Scully! Stop! Do you hear me? Shhh. It's not your fault. It was an accident." "I'm his mother, damn it, Mulder! I'm supposed to protect him from harm. I'll never forgive myself. Never!" "Dana, let's just wait and see..." "He's DEAD, Mulder! He's dead! I killed him. He's dead, he's dead, he's dead..." She continues chanting the horror, her cries muffled in my jacket as Maggie and Bill approach. I hope Scully's brother has the good sense to put our rift to the wayside for the time being, at least in front of Scully and her mom. If he were to go on the attack right now... in the state I'm in, I wouldn't want to be held accountable for my actions. Whispering soothing words to Scully, I try to calm her as best I know how. The only reason I'm managing to keep it together myself is because I know Scully needs me to be strong for her. I've been absent through too much of what she's endured these past several months; being her support now is the least I can do. Maggie meets my eyes with an outpouring of sympathy and grief. Bill looks only at his sister; his compassion for her shows - I see him bite his lip to hold in his own emotions, and he shuts his eyes as if seeing her pain is too much to watch. This can't be happening. None of this is real. I'm willing myself to wake up, but the nightmare won't end. Another Scully family tragedy and I'm right in the center of it. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't possible that I am Dana Scully's very own bad luck charm. The admitting clerk leaves her desk to talk to us. "I need to start a chart on the infant that was just brought in. Are you the parents?" I nod. Scully doesn't acknowledge the woman's presence. She's gone quiet in my arms... hopefully gathering her strength for whatever is to come. "I need to get some information from you. The child's name, date of birth, your names, your address, your insurance carrier... It won't take long." Her eyes are apologetic as she addresses us. "I'll give you as much of that information as I can." Maggie cuts in, taking charge of the situation. "I'm the baby's grandmother." I send her a silent 'Thank You,' grateful that she understands that what Scully and I need most right now is this time together. But when I hear her response to the clerk's first question, I can't stop myself from objecting. "Child's name?" "Daniel William Scully." "MULDER." I say it so loud that I draw the attention of half the waiting area and a threatening glare from Bill. "Daniel William MULDER," I insist. And when Scully looks up at me, her face flooded with tears, I tell her in a much softer voice, "I will not have our son living a lie." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Subdural hematoma. That was the findings of Daniel's CT Scan. I gave written consent and he was rushed off to surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain. I never even got to see him before they took him away. And now we wait on pins and needles, hoping against hope that he is strong enough to survive the surgery. And praying that his fragile little brain was not permanently damaged by the trauma. I hate myself for letting this happen. I still can't believe I left him alone like that. How could I be so stupid? It doesn't matter that they try to tell me differently - the blame for this rests solely on me. I've been sitting watching Mulder pace the floor for almost an hour. His concern for Daniel is genuine, and for that, I will accept his presence here. But I will not allow another scene like the one we had in the ER. As good as it felt to have his arms around me, and to lose myself in his protective embrace, I must keep the distance between us. I have to remember that up until he heard about the baby, Mulder made no attempt to reestablish a relationship with me. He doesn't really want me anymore. And I suspect, what he came to my mother's place to tell me today was some carefully thought out guilt ridden apology, along with another request to be a part of Daniel's life. A request I would have turned down. And then Mulder could go on his way with the knowledge that he tried to do the right thing. My mother would send him photos every now and then, and he would castigate himself each time another envelope full of pictures arrived - almost masochistically deriving pleasure from the self-flagellation, but then Just as Mulder finally gives up on his pacing and takes a seat on the sofa beside me, Daniel's pediatric neurosurgeon comes looking for us. She must see the fear in our eyes, because she immediately tries to reassure us with a smile. "Mr. and Mrs. Mulder?" Neither of us bothers to correct her as we get to our feet and prepare ourselves for the worst. We're both holding our breath, anxiously waiting for the news. "I'm Doctor Abbott, your baby's surgeon. Everything went perfectly. He's being transferred as we speak, to the NICU. It's on the fifth floor. If you head up that way, you'll be able to see him shortly." I feel Mulder's body sag with relief next to mine, but I've still got a lot of questions I need answered before I'm willing to breathe that sigh with him. "Doctor Abbott, I'm a medical doctor too. What's your prognosis for Daniel? How do you intend to treat him?" "Your son will likely make a full recovery; although as you know, with something like this, there are no guarantees. We have him on a ventilator now to help bring down the cerebral edema." "How soon will we know if his brain has been permanently affected?" She sighs. "I'll run visual and auditory stimuli test over the next few days; the EEG should tell us if his cerebral cortex is functioning properly. Unfortunately, with infants it's very difficult to assess higher brain function with any kind of certainty. We'll follow him closely over the next few years to see that he's developing normally. If a problem should arise, it's best to intervene as early as we possibly can. But your son will likely enjoy a full recovery, with his surgical scar being the only lasting reminder of his fall." Her smile brightens. "That, and about a dozen or so new gray hairs for his mom and dad." Years... Because of my carelessness, Daniel will be seeing specialists for years to come. God blessed me with a beautiful healthy baby and I ruined his life before he was a month old. Dr. Abbott places a compassionate hand on my shoulder. "Try not to beat yourself up too badly over this. Accidents DO happen. He's going to be fine. You've got a precocious kid. Most babies aren't capable of rolling over at his age - it's not unheard of - but the vast majority don't have the motor skills to pull off such an amazing feat. It's usually the wiry little ones like him that though that surprise us. Every once in a while one of the newborns will show off for us in the nursery. Oddly enough, as soon as they put some weight on they seem to lose this particular talent and return to the normal stages of development." We both shake her hand and express our gratitude. And I allow Mulder to guide me down the hall to the elevators. I know it's wrong of me to take this bit of comfort from him, but it comes so naturally, and is given without condition. His gentle guiding touch at my back is something I've sorely missed. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I hate seeing Scully like this. She blames herself for Daniel's accident and refuses to be cheered by the doctor's assurances that our son's recovery is going as well as we can hope for. It's painful to see him tethered to all those tubes and wires, but he IS getting better - and in another week if all goes well, we should be able to take him home. As Scully stands vigil beside Daniel's incubator, I watch her thoughtfully from across the room. So many tiny babies fighting for their lives; our son is one of the lucky ones who will survive. He seems big compared to most of the preemies being cared for here. One little girl is so small I could slip her into my coat pocket quite easily - just over two pounds - amazingly, she's expected to survive. Each time one of these miracle babies goes home, the nursing staff holds a little celebration, and the baby's picture is added to a huge collection that adorns the walls. I am looking forward to seeing Daniel's photo become part of that happy collage. The faces of the parents who come here to visit their children are bittersweet; hope mixed with fear, joy tempered by sorrow. Guilt is a common burden they all share. These are our children and as parents we are tasked with their well-being and protection. It's not easy watching them struggle, feeling that we should be able to help, agonizing over what we could have done differently that might have prevented this suffering. If only... Scully blames herself for leaving Daniel unattended on the bed - I blame myself for this whole situation. We can't undo the past. History has been written and stands for us to reflect upon. We're meant to use the lessons of our past experiences to make a better future. Instead, I've been letting a painful history destroy any hope of a happy future. My fear of repeating the disastrous relationships I've had caused me to abandon my relationship with Scully. I'm through living with ghosts. Diana has haunted me long enough. Scully is nothing like my ex-wife. As much as I loved Diana, she always had her own best interests at heart, her own secret agenda that made it impossible for her to give herself to me completely, to commit herself fully to our marriage. Scully's been committed to me from the very beginning, and she's never wavered in her loyalty, not once. Diana cut me pretty deep, and each time she came back into my life, the wound would reopen. Somehow, whether she realized it or not, Scully always found a way to stitch that wound closed again. And now she is the one who has been hurt - hurt by me. And selfis This is Daniel's third day in the NICU. Scully has been here with him around the clock. I'm here too, but staying well clear of Scully, who seems to only tolerate my presence. My attempts at engaging her in any sort of meaningful conversation have been complete failures. She's determined not to let me in. I don't know what, if anything, I can do at this point to win back her favor. But I do know that trying to go on with my life without Scully and my son is unthinkable to me now. Being near her again after all these months, holding her in my arms the other day, it's as if my black and white existence has been suddenly doused with brilliant color. I don't want to go back to Kansas, Toto. I want to stay in Oz. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Dana." My mother peeks her head in the door. "Hi, Mom." "How's my grandson doing?" She's carrying a bouquet of brightly colored mylar balloons. Mom has yet to visit empty handed. It's a good thing the little boy who shared this room with Daniel went home today - we need every inch of extra space we can get with Grandma Scully and all her 'get well soon' gifts. "Dr. Abbott was here a few minutes ago. You just missed her. She said his test results all look good." "Thank God." "He should be able to go home in another couple of days." Mom nods, and adds the balloons to Daniel's ever-growing collection of spoils. She hesitates a little, then says, "I saw Fox out in the hall." "He refuses to go home. I don't know what he's trying to prove." "Maybe he's just worried about his son, like you are." I give my mother a disapproving look. "Are you going to take his side in this?" "I didn't realize there were sides to be taken. He IS the baby's father, Dana." "Not according to Daniel's birth certificate," I point out. "You did that to hurt him, Dana. To get back at him for hurting you. It's wrong to use Daniel in that way." "I'm not..." She puts up a hand to stop my protest. "You most certainly are. You and Fox need to work out your differences without involving this baby." "Daniel is the only reason Mulder is even here." "He loves you. He always has." "Huh! Is that why he left me for another woman? Is that why he forced me to walk away from a career to which I'd dedicated my life? Is that why I didn't get a single phone call or letter from him in over six and a half months?" "There wasn't ever anyone else, Scully. I lied to you about there being another woman. I couldn't tell you the real reason. You wouldn't have accepted it. You wouldn't have gone away." Mom and I turn in unison to find Mulder standing in the doorway. Damn him for listening in on a private conversation! As he comes further into the room, Mom starts her retreat. She touches him on the arm as they pass each other, exchanging meaningful looks. I've been set up! My own mother has conspired against me! She leaves the room and I make a note to myself to remind her of this the next time she accuses me of not sharing my feelings with her. "Scully..." Mulder reaches out for me but I turn away from him and watch my sleeping son. "So you lied to me. Is that supposed to make me feel better? You wanted me out of your life and I am - at least I was - until you made the decision to intrude where you're not welcome." "I don't blame you for being angry at me. What I did to you was unforgivable. I only want you to know that I've been miserable without you. I've missed you both personally and professionally. And I'm willing to do whatever you say, if you'll just give me another chance." "If this is the part where I'm supposed to be moved into accepting you back, I'm afraid it hasn't worked." "You always were a tough sell." Peeking around at my face, he grins in true Mulder fashion, trying to inveigle his way into my heart. "I'm immune to your charm, Agent Mulder." He is standing right behind me. Too close. He has me trapped between his body and Daniel's crib. As hard as I try not to show any reaction to his proximity, when he breathes a heavy sigh and I feel that rush of heat on the back of my neck, I shiver. He doesn't miss my response and takes full advantage, shifting his body a little closer and bringing his lips down to brush them seductively along my neck. Not this time, Mulder. I know your games too well. And I know all too well the price I'll pay if I let you have this victory. Struggling against the surge of sexual fire he has ignited within me, I push back hard - shoving him away from me before my ability to fight back is lost completely to his wiles. And I move to the center of the room where he won't be able to entrap me again. "Stop! Stop using sex to manipulate me, Mulder! It's over between us! I can't... I can't do this anymore! My life is a mess! Do you have any idea how much this hospital bill is going to be? I don't have a job or any insurance, thanks to you! I'm living with my mother for Christsake! I have enough problems right now. I can't handle this..." "I'm sorry." "Just go away, Mulder. Just go away and leave me... leave US alone!" My gaze shifts from Mulder to Daniel. And as I hear the door slam shut, I realize my mother was right. I AM using this baby to hurt him. God, forgive me. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX This could quite possibly be the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, but I'm a desperate man and willing to attempt anything, no matter how suicidal it seems - if there's a chance I might get her back again. I really blew it the other day when I tried to seduce her. I've used that trick too many times to avoid the real issues between us. Now she won't even let me near her. She's afraid I'm going to find a way around her defenses. At least I know the feelings are still there; buried in anger, but there nonetheless. A glimmer of hope is all I've ever needed to cling to. Scully knows me well enough to know that too. She let me see that spark of light in her. She wants me to find my way back into her heart. I'm not going to let her down. Bill Scully answers the door with a look of incredulity. Can't blame the guy. I have to be out of my mind to show up here after everything that happened last time. "Mulder, I've misjudged you. You're an even bigger idiot than I gave you credit for." I shrug. "What can I say?" "Try good-bye. Unless you really do have a death wish. She doesn't want to see you." "I actually came here to talk with YOU, Bill." "I don't want to see you either." "You told me once that your sister's happiness was very important to you." His eyes narrow on me. "It is." "She isn't happy right now." "Because of you, asshole." "Yes. Because of me. And I want to change that... I've had some bad experiences in the past, relationships with women who didn't have your sister's integrity or virtue. I got burned a couple of times." "You're breaking my heart, Mulder." "I'm not looking for sympathy, Bill. I'm only trying to explain why I did what I did. I've never loved anyone as much as I love Dana. It scared me that I had come to depend on her to the extent that I had. All I kept thinking about was how devastated I was going to be when she eventually and inevitably realized what a mistake she'd made allowing herself to become involved with me personally. I convinced myself that the only way to avoid being consumed by the pain of rejection was to be the catalyst myself - to be the one who called it off." "This isn't helping my opinion of you." "I know it was selfish, but, at the time I was certain she would ultimately leave me. I'd been expecting it to all fall apart any day, trying to prepare myself for it - hell, I was doing things to hasten it. Part of me wanted for it to just be over and done with, to accept the inevasible and let the grieving process begin. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided to end it myself... I was surprised by her reaction. I figured she'd be angry and tell me I could go to hell. I never imagined it would hurt her as much as it did. But then it was over and done with and I figured it was best just to leave it alone. When I found out about the baby... the first thing that went through my mind was that I had to see Dana. I had to know that she was all right. But then I saw Daniel... YOU know what it feels like, Bill. You have a son too. You want to be the best father you can be, you want to be better than you are... you want to give him everything." Bill nods. And I'm not sure, but I think my plan may have worked; I may have reached him by appealing to him as a father and not as Scully's overprotective big brother. I need him on my side if I'm going to become a part of this family. And that's what I want more than anything. I want to be part of Scully's family. "I need your help, Bill. I want to be a good father to my son. And I want to make Dana my wife. I swear to you, I will be a good husband to your sister. I'll spend the rest of my life making up to her for the pain I've caused. Please, help me. Help me get through to her." I wait with tense anticipation as Bill considers my plea. Gaining his support isn't going to convince Scully to take me back, but the fewer enemies I have in her camp, the better my chances at winning the battle. Bill looks thoroughly disgusted - with me, with my petition for his complicity, with this whole fucking situation; and I brace myself for a stinging retort - and maybe a hard right cross as well. But then I see a hint of resignation softening the edge of his dagger stare. "Mulder, I still think you're one sorry son of a bitch. And I wish my sister had never met you. But the fact remains, Dana will never be happy now without you. And my nephew deserves to have his father around, no matter how pathetic you may be... I'll help, but only because I want to see Dana and the baby looked after. But if you fuck up this time, Mulder, I swear - I'll kill you." ~End of Part 2 of 3~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEST FRIENDS: In the Future (Part 3 of 3) Daniel is one month old today. He's bounced back remarkably from his surgery, and is amazing us all with his precociousness. I think he's doing his best to reassure me that he's going to be just fine. Mulder did a very generous thing. He put the baby on his medical insurance. It was a huge relief, considering the total cost of Daniel's treatment was over eighty-thousand dollars. (NICU stays aren't cheap.) I felt terrible accepting his kindness after the horrible way I've treated him. But I really didn't have a choice. There's no way I could pay a bill like that. And though Mom offered to help, I didn't want to see her use that much of her savings, without knowing how soon I could pay her back. Besides, Mulder had basically insisted that I allow him to provide for his son... and let's face it, eighty- thousand dollars is a hell of a lot of money. Practicality over principles - rationalize it later. I had Mulder listed as Daniel's father on the birth record. It was the least I could do, considering - a small gesture of gratitude for Mulder's good turn. And I promised myself that I'd stop using Daniel to get back at him for hurting me. There's no point in carrying on a feud with my son's father. Bill is heading back to California tomorrow, and he is insisting that I go with him to the mall to buy a crib for Daniel. Mom volunteered to baby-sit while we shop. I couldn't refuse either offer, but leaving my baby for the first time has me a bundle of nerves. Every new mother goes through this, I suppose, but I've been especially overprotective after everything that's happened. "Bill, maybe we should take Mom and Daniel with us." I try to make the suggestion casually, but my apprehension isn't that cleverly veiled. He laughs at me and starts the car. "Dana, you're not going to be one of the dopey first-time moms that can't cut the cord, are you? I mean, give the kid a break." "I was only thinking that Mom might be a help in picking out the crib." "Mmm hmm." He snorts. "Sure you were." Damn, I wish I still had my cell phone. Mom could at least call if she had a problem. Okay, Dana, you can get through this. We'll just go to the store so Bill can play up his uncle role, and we'll be back before Daniel even wakes up from his nap. God, my brother drives like an old man! And where in the hell is he going anyway? "Hey, where are we going? The mall isn't this way." "I've got a stop to make first. It's not far." "Bill, come on. Can't you do that later? The baby might get hungry if we're gone too long." "Relax, will ya. Jeez." Well, this is great. We're cruising around Georgetown and Daniel's probably crying his little lungs out and I have no way of knowing if he needs me and... "Bill, I want to go home." I state my desire clearly, with no room for argument. My brother pulls into the driveway of a small colonial cottage, which I assume means he's turning us around. But then he shuts off the engine and I realize this was his destination all along. "Come on," he says, getting out of the car. Frustrated, I follow him up the step and onto the front porch. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key, unlocking the door to let us inside. "Ladies first." He gestures for me to go in. Eyeing him suspiciously, I enter the house ahead of him, not sure what to make of this. Immediately, I recognize the furnishings. They're mine! The things from my apartment that I'd put in storage when I had to move in with Mom. I turn back to Bill to ask him what this is all about, but he's gone. And Mulder is standing there in his place. How does he do it? How does Mulder get my family to be his accomplices? Especially Bill. "Mulder, what is this?" "Home." He says it confidently, but I can see the anxiety swimming in his eyes. "Whose home?" "Ours." I'll say this much for the man, he'll go to any and all lengths. "I'm outta here," I tell him, making a break for the door. Unfortunately, that means getting past Mulder, and he does not intend to let me go so easily. He grabs hold of my arms and stares down at me with pleading eyes. "You've always wanted to see the proof, Scully. Well, that's what this is. Proof that I love you. And that I want you and Daniel in my life. Proof that I'm ready to commit... really commit. I bought this house for us. All our things are here, yours and mine." My head is spinning by this sudden and unexpected turn of events. Did he say 'bought'? "Mulder, you're crazy," I stammer, looking up at him with utter disbelief. "Only for you, Scully." "Oh brother." "Come on. You're here. At least let me give you the tour." "And then can I go back to my mother's and kick my brother's ass?" He laughs. Apparently he thinks I'm kidding. Knowing Mulder the way I do, I figure it's pointless to fight him on this. The sooner I let him play tour guide, the sooner I'll be able to get home to Daniel. With a reluctant sigh, I humor his real estate fantasy. And as he escorts me from room to room, I see that he really is true to his word. He's moved all of his things and mine into this charming little house. Amazingly, it somehow fits... a bit eclectic, but not too bad. I suspect there were greater forces at work here than just my domestically challenged ex-partner. "Who did this?" "Me." That earns him a skeptical look. "Okay, your mother helped a little." Greater forces, indeed. "I don't think... No, I KNOW I don't like you conspiring with my family against me." "Not against you, Scully, FOR you. This is all for you... for US. You, me and Daniel. I did this for us." What am I supposed to say to this? The man went out and bought a house - a HOUSE, for Godsake! (And it's not a bad house at that.) He's trying awfully damn hard to make his point with me. But it's not easy to trust him after all that's happened between us. And I'm not sure what's motivating this. Does he really want me back, or is it only his guilty conscience at work? "Mulder, this is wonderful but..." He's not listening. He grabs my hand and pulls me up the stairs. "Come on, Scully. I want to show you the nursery." Hardly able to contain his own excitement, he pushes open a door at the end of the hall... Oh, my God! >From the cherry wood crib to the antique glider rocker, right down to the Moby Dick prints on the wall. It's perfect. The crib bedding is decorated with boats and anchors and smiling little fish. There's even a stuffed white whale resting next to a lighthouse lamp on a bookshelf already loaded with a collection of children's stories. No fair. He's not playing fair. He's got me fighting tears again. "Damn you." Still clutching my hand, he draws it up to his chest, placing it over his heart as he speaks. "Scully, give me one more chance. I want to make up for what I've done wrong. I know I hurt you. And I'll never forgive myself for not being there when you were pregnant, or when our son came into this world. But I'm here now. And I'm begging you for another chance. Come back to me, Scully. Be my partner again, at work and in life." "Mulder... Do you know what you put me through? Do you have any idea?" I break away from him, our physical contact is unraveling my resolve. Entering the nursery, I am torn by the desperation I hear in Mulder's voice and my own feelings of doubt. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was afraid. I'm not afraid anymore. I want to marry you. I want my son to have a better father than I knew. Scully, I miss you. I want you to come back to work with me. I'm nothing without you. Everything I've done has been meaningless since you've been gone... I've worked it all out. You can have your old job back. We can be partners again, Scully. Your mother is willing to look after Daniel. There's a spare bedroom she can stay in when we're away on a case. Our son will never have to leave the comfort of his own home. We can do this, Scully. We can make this work." I close my eyes, needing to shut out this scene, this promise of a life I've only dreamed of, before it clouds my judgment any more than it already has. Mulder is the real issue here. I've missed him; missed his touch, his smell, his taste... his sharp wit and his companionship. It's been too long since we last made love, since I felt him inside me, and lost myself in him. Far too long. But can I ever trust him again? Can we build that perfect life together? Can I really believe what he's saying to me? I want to believe... A vision of that familiar poster flashes in my mind. I do so want to believe... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Getting Scully to consent to moving in with me took many hours of negotiations. There were several conditions put on the living arrangement. First and foremost being the platonic rule. Scully was adamant that sex have no place in our new relationship. She said she doesn't know if she can ever let herself get that close to me again. I'm not happy about it, but Scully and I do not share a bedroom in our home. She guards herself at all times. And I know better than to overstep the bounds she has set. I don't want to jeopardize what little she is willing to give. I've got my family together, living under one roof; that's all I can hope for right now. Scully is also back working at the Bureau. Not surprisingly, we are the hot topic of conversation at the water cooler and amongst the rumor mongers in the bullpen. Everyone knows about Daniel - Baby Spooky, as they call him; they guess at the rest... and they're not often kind with their hypotheses. It hasn't been easy. I've overheard some rather nasty comments made about Scully. There have been a few incidents in that regard where I was not able to control my temper - hell, I completely lost it a time or two when Scully's honor and reputation were brought into question in my presence. Skinner has threatened to transfer one or both of us if I can't handle the heat our relationship has created. I can take the heat. I just can't take seeing Scully hurt anymore because of what I have done. Though she and I have resumed our partnership, working together again is a daily effort. Scully doesn't trust me anymore. And she has even less patience than before with my wild theories and hunches. I'm reluctant to push. She holds a lot of anger and resentment within her, and it manifests itself in little things she says and does through the course of a workday. Sometimes I think she's just looking for an excuse to start an argument and carry it over to our home life. She's expecting this to fail. Frustrating doesn't begin to describe what it feels like - starting over from the negative after all our years together as a team. Despite the fact that she is determined to punish me, I'm glad to have her back at my side... even if most days it seems like a pointless exercise trying to rebuild our partnership. What's holding us together at this point is Daniel. Thankfully, Scully hasn't been selfish with him. She lets me share in his life as an equal caregiver. Some of our closest moments together occur when we are with our son. I treasure those brief times when she revels in the joy of motherhood and forgets herself, letting me in; letting me see her heart with a smile so genuine that it nearly brings me to tears remembering what was once mine... what I threw away. But those precious moments are much too rare. And her heart is not full of love for me, but our little boy. I've lost her. No matter what I do, I can't seem to make her believe in me again. I doubt she will ever come back to me, the way she once was. The best I can hope for is to heal our friendship. But I want more then that. I want her to love me again. I want her to trust me. I want her to know that I love her. I want her to be my wife. Though I'm certain I'd have more luck convincing her to marry Frohike... There are times when facing her daily rejection becomes unbearable. I know I deserve it. I know I'm lucky that she's even speaking to me, let alone living in the same house with me; but there are times - like tonight - when I'm so lonely for her that I physically ache. Her contempt isn't calculated. She isn't mean-spirited. She's a good person; a good person who has been wronged. And I understand why she's afraid to get close to me again. I understand... but it still hurts. Like me, Daniel doesn't sleep very well. There are many nights when we keep each other company, catching replays of classic sports; watching old movies on the Sci-fi channel, or sometimes we just sit and talk. Tonight we're cozied up in the big chair in the living room. There's a crackling fire providing our entertainment this evening. After a while, Daniel loses interest in the dancing flames and turns his attention my way; his eyes, two round blue saucers as he looks up at me, wondering with great seriousness at the tears on his father's face... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Awakened by a horrible nightmare, heart racing, I jump out of bed and pull on my robe. I need to see my son. I have to know he's all right. It was that kind of dream. One that's so real that you have to convince yourself it's not true, that it never really happened. But to my horror, I discover Daniel is not sleeping peacefully in his crib... he's gone! And before I can stop myself, I'm running into Mulder's room to tell him the baby has been taken. His room is empty too. His bed hasn't been slept in. I'm waking up a little more and putting two and two together now. This time I WALK down the stairs where I'm fairly certain I will find father and son asleep in front of the TV. But what I find freezes me in my tracks. It is a picture both sweet and sad. Mulder is sitting in the big overstuffed chair in our living room, holding Daniel on his lap. Glowing light from the fireplace catches on big wet tears running down Mulder's cheeks. Daniel is wide- eyed, watching his father's emotional display with great interest and concern. Mulder's tears are falling faster than he can wipe them - one gets away, christening the forehead of our baby boy, who blinks in protest. "I'm sorry, son," he whispers, reaching out to brush the wetness with his thumb. Daniel doesn't miss the opportunity, and grabs onto his father's hand, gripping Mulder's little finger for all he's worth. This only causes Mulder to cry harder; as he weeps, Daniel is showered in his father's teardrops. I find it impossible to keep my own face dry as I listen to Mulder pour out his soul to our son. "Danny... I don't know what to do. I love your mommy so much. God... I've messed up. Daddy made a terrible, unforgivable mistake, and I want... I want to make it right again, but I don't know how... I don't know how. I want your mommy to love me again. I want her to trust me. If I could only take away the hurt I've caused her..." Our baby stares up at his father, awed by the emotional display. My pounding heart is now throbbing with remorse and contrition as the honesty of this moment overwhelms me. "Your mommy was the best thing that ever happened to me. She made me a whole person. She believed in me when no one else would. She challenged me. She cared for me... She loved me. I think she's the only person who ever really did... And I was stupid. I didn't believe in her, I told her I did, but I really didn't, not the way I should have... And I hurt her because I was afraid... I thought for sure she was going to hurt me." Oh, Mulder... "I'm so sorry, Danny. You didn't deserve this. You're such a sweet baby. Daddy loves you. God, I love you. I know what it's like growing up in a home where your parents can't make it work. I don't want that for you. I'm trying... I'm really trying to make things right again between me and your mommy, but she's afraid now... afraid I'm going to hurt her again. And I don't blame her for that. She's been through too much pain in her life because of me... I ruined it for all of us. God... I'm sorry, son. I'm so, so sorry." And then, in his sorrow, he bows his head over Daniel, and immediately the baby grabs a fist full of his daddy's hair, holding on tight, pulling him closer, as if he actually understands the confession that he's just heard, and the need to offer comfort. Mulder's entire body shakes with grief as he cries his heart out to our son. What have I done to this man? How could I be this heartless and cruel? Have I been so blinded by my own anger and self-pity that I failed to see the hell I was putting him through? As much as I wanted to punish him - and I shamefully admit that I did want vengeance - I never meant to cause him this much pain. Nothing he's done to me makes him deserving of this. Through and above everything that has happened, I have remained in love with him and always will. It's unbearable to watch him suffer another moment, knowing that I hold the power to deliver him from this heartache. With a determined stride, I cross the room to put an end to Mulder's agony. I kneel, embracing them both, my son and his father. "Enough," I whisper into Mulder's ear through my own tears. "Enough. We've hurt each other enough. It stops right here, right now... I love you, Mulder. I'm sorry for what I've put you through. God, I'm sorry." He looks at me, uncertain whether to believe the words he's heard me say, yet with a spark of hope lighting his tormented eyes. Our faces are only inches apart, and I close that distance quickly; bringing our lips together, answering his unspoken doubt with a reaffirming kiss. At first he's afraid to return my affection, hesitant to let himself accept the forgiveness I am offering. But soon he can no longer deny the passion he feels and he gives his tenderness to me along with his tears. For a long time we hold each other, crying and kissing and trying to say we're sorry without any words. Soon it becomes obvious that both of us are ready for more, wanting to reconcile on more intimate terms. "Why don't we put the baby to bed, Mulder. If we're going to make up, let's do it right." At my suggestion, we all head upstairs, Mulder explaining the situation to Daniel as we go. "Son, there are some things in life that can only be explained as miracles. You've just been lucky enough to witness one. However, the rest of this show is for mature audiences only. So I'm afraid, it's off to bed for you, little man." Together we tuck Daniel into his crib, kissing him good night and telling him how much we both love him. He gives us one of those full body smiles in reply, squirming excitedly, a toothless grin his expression of joy. Quietly, we slip out of his room, but once we're out in the hall, Mulder stops in an awkward moment of indecision. "Your place or mine," he laughs. "Ours," I tell him with conviction. Then I take him by the hand and lead him into the bedroom where, up until now, he has slept alone. There is a familiarity and a strangeness to this at the same time. Sex has always been intense and passionate between us in the past - and I pray it will be again someday - but tonight we are shy with one another. I'm nervous about letting him see my body; it's changed a great deal as the result of my pregnancy. And he seems apprehensive, not quite sure of his standing with me yet... In the darkness, we reunite beneath the bedsheets. I'm reluctant to give up the modesty of my clothing, stopping Mulder when he finally works up the nerve to reach for the buttons of my pajama top. He questions me with a worried glance. "I've changed. The pregnancy..." And I shrug uncomfortably, unable to articulate my embarrassment. Understanding begets relief and Mulder hastens to reassure me. "Scully, you're beautiful. You'll always be beautiful to me. Don't ever think anything else." Then he brings his lips to mine, and as we lose ourselves in an endless deep kiss, he gently undresses me and pulls me close against his own naked body. The sensation of our flesh- to-flesh contact after being so long denied has my pulse racing and my libido fully aroused. And Mulder is fully aroused as well... VERY fully aroused. I let my left hand slip between us and gently run the tips of my fingernails over his erection, up and down, slowly, remembering how much this use to please him. I am rewarded with a hiss and a shiver, as his cock twitches in reaction to my touch. While I continue to stroke and caress him, Mulder brings his mouth to my breast. It hasn't been that long since I stopped nursing Daniel, so his suckling stimulates a tingling letdown response and with that a trickle of milk. He looks up at me but only pauses from his deed long enough to murmur with heated breath upon my wet nipple, "So sweet, Scully... I gotta have more." He teases me a moment with his tongue, then returns to his task with fervor, as I cradle his head, running my fingers through his thick soft hair, moaning and practically purring from the incredible pleasure he's giving me. When he touches my own sex, working his fingers through the slippery heat, rubbing and grinding in just the right places and ways that he knows drives me insane with desire, I can't take the relentlessness of his ministrations any longer... As I climax, Mulder pushes himself deep inside me, filling me up as I contract around him. He is on top of me, inside me, surrounding me in a loving embrace as I cling to him; fingernails digging into his taut muscles - crying out with the passion of an orgasm so intense I nearly lose consciousness. The crest of the wave finally breaks and I regain control of myself once again. Mulder is beginning to move in me and I force my trembling body to follow his lead. We dance our lover's dance - slowly at first, reestablishing our intimate partnership - but the rhythm is soon set by the needs of our bodies, urges too strong to ignore. We thrust into each other, pumping and pounding, faster and harder, giving as we receive. "Scully... Jesus, Scully, I've missed you," Mulder pants as he keeps up our frenzied cadence. I want to answer him, but I can't. I'm on the edge and his next penetration hits in just the right place, sending me over, free- falling once again in rapturous bliss. We come together. He is there with me; and in the earnestness of the moment I find myself begging him never to leave me again. And as our sweaty bodies fall together exhausted, he swears to me his promise. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Poor little guy was really tuckered out; he didn't even wake up when I was changing him into his jammies." Scully is just slipping in between the covers as I enter our bedroom. "I can't believe Danny is a year old already. It's amazing how fast he's grown." "Yeah," I agree, and my mind flashes back to an image of a tiny newborn, his miniature fist wrapped tightly around my thumb. And that same little boy today, chubby fingers clutching the toy bat I bought him for his birthday, knocking that huge ball a whole six inches off the T, his face lighting with excitement as I grabbed him up and pretended to run the bases with him, his mother cheering us on. "Scully, do you think we've been away too much lately? The last couple of cases we've worked have kept us apart from him a lot more than usual." "No guilt, Mulder... remember? We agreed. He's got his grandma here when we can't be. And they have a wonderful relationship. Mom says he does just fine when we're away." No guilt. I'm supposed to look into my kid's big blue eyes and not feel guilty as hell that I drag his poor mother all across the country chasing mutants and monsters, investigating things that go bump in the night; following up one paranormal lead after another - where there's always the risk that one or both of us won't return home. No guilt. Right. "Mulder." The admonishment is clear in my wife's tone. "Danny is doing fine. He's a happy, well-adjusted, normal, twelve month-old. We're not the only parents in the history of the world to have careers. Don't do this. Don't start feeling guilty, because then you make me feel guilty. And I don't want to have to choose between being your partner and being a good mother to my son." "You ARE a good mother, sweetheart. I'm sorry. You're right. Our lifestyle doesn't seem to be adversely affecting Danny in any way." She pulls the covers back, inviting me in and at the same time putting an end to my paternal guiltfest. "Come to bed, G-man. Your son's asleep. We don't have go into work in the morning. I've got plans for you." The provocative look she's giving me serves its purpose well. She doesn't have to make this request twice. "A horny redhead in a black teddy - dangerous combination." I shake my head and draw in a deep breath as I look her over. "What are you worried about?" Her eyes settle approvingly over the obvious tenting of my boxers. "Looks like you're well equipped to handle the situation, Agent Mulder." "Don't be eyeing my weapon, Red," I warn her menacingly, falling into bed beside her. Scully's sexy laughter fills our bedroom as I show her the proper procedure for apprehending and frisking one so dangerous as she. ~END~ Life is too short to drink bad wine.