Mulder, It's Me by TBishop27@aol.com Rated: PG (I think there's a swear word or two in there somewhere.) Category: Angst/MSR Summary: A phone call to Mulder. Feedback: Can't get enough. Disclaimer: This Mulder and Scully are mine. Chris has his own. They're much more famous than mine, and worth a hell of a lot more money. Author's note: Thanks to David, Shoshana, and Shell for the beta. Thanks to Webmistress Grasshopper for keeping up the archive. And words can never express the love that is in my heart for MY Mulder... who never misses a call. I do believe, sweetheart. MULDER, IT'S ME "Mulder." "Mulder, it's me." "Hey, Scully. It's late. What's up?" "I want you to... No. I NEED you to just listen. I don't want you to say anything until I've said all that I have to say. Can you do that for me?" "Sure, Scully. I'll listen." "Good. Thank you. I called to tell you good-bye. I can't do it anymore, Mulder. I'm sorry, but I can't. You need a partner who is strong and capable of keeping up the fight. I have no fight left in me. This has been a long time in coming, and I did everything I could think of to prevent it... but nothing's working anymore. I know you're going to be upset. You'll probably blame yourself. But the fact is, there's nothing you could have done either. A person only has so much in life that they can lose before they realize there's really nothing left worth living for. This is where I am. There's nothing left inside me, Mulder. I'm empty and I'm cold and I can't continue on like this. I promise you, I've given it a lot... a lot of thought. This isn't a call for help. I don't want help. I've made up my mind on the best course of action to take. And you'd never be able to get here fast enough to prevent me from carrying out my intent." "I just couldn't leave you without telling you why. And I thought it would be best if you heard the words from my own mouth, rather than read them from a scrap of paper that you'll then proceed to cling to and carry with you all the rest of your life, reliving the pain every time you read it. I don't want to hurt you, Mulder. That's not why I'm doing this. In fact, it's what stopped me from doing this so many times before. But I've finally reach the point where I can't go on, even for you. I'm sorry, Mulder." "You've been a good friend. My best friend. And now that I won't ever have to face you again, I can confess something that I could never before bring myself to say. I love you. Deeply, passionately, I love you, Mulder. You ARE my one in five billion... well, it's six billion now. But you're the one, Mulder." "I'm sorry I never had the guts to tell you. I was afraid... afraid of so many things. But mostly, I was afraid of losing you, like Dad or Missy or Emily. I thought, if I never spoke the words that were in my heart, then you might be safe. And so I denied myself the only thing I've ever truly wanted. You. And now, I'll never know what your lips taste like. I'll never know what it feels like to make love to you. I'll never know the happiness of waking up in your arms. But I don't regret it. Not for one minute. I did what I did to protect you. And I think you've been protecting me too. Surely, it doesn't surprise you that I know. I've known for a long time. You were rather obvious. I mean, Antarctica? If that's not climbing the highest mountain, than I don't know what else you would call it. So... even though I never got to love you, Mulder, I knew that I was loved." "And it was almost enough. I think it would have been enough, if I hadn't doubted the truth of it on occasion. I'm ashamed to say I let my insecurities get the better of me. Those were the times when I yearned for your touch, your kiss, the gentle reassurance that I was really the one in your heart. But those were my failings, not yours. I was always the skeptic, even where your love was concerned. I'm sorry for that." "I want you to know that you have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm sure I could never convince you of that though. But, Mulder, it's true. You took away my safe little world and gave me adventure. You forced me to look beyond my science, at the improbable and the impossible... you opened up my mind." "Ahh, but you say, 'Scully, if I'm so damn good for you, why are you checking out?' That's a good question, Mulder, I'm glad you asked. Because the challenge was beyond me. Because I wasn't strong enough. Not all soldiers return from battle, Mulder. And make no mistake about it, we were fighting a war. A war you'll go on fighting without me. A war I know you'll eventually win. And when you do... when you finally beat those bastards, know that I'll be watching. And I'll be so proud of you." "Can I talk now?" "Yes." "Turn around." "Oh, my God! How long have you been standing there?" "Since about thirty seconds after I realized you were going to kill yourself." "But how?" "I was parked outside... watching through the window. I was afraid to leave you alone tonight. And since you refused all offers of my companionship, I was forced to go into stakeout mode. I was aware that something was wrong all week. But today, when I saw that look in your eyes, I knew you had given up. It scared the shit out of me. I'll never let you go, Scully. Not without one hell of a fight first." "Mulder, I don't have the strength..." "Then I'll be strong for both of us." "I refuse to be a burden. I have more pride than that." "If you think, for one minute, that you're going to kill yourself, and leave me behind... than you're not as smart as I've given you credit for." "You can't stop me, Mulder. I'll find a way." "You're right, Scully. I can't stop you, if you're that determined. But you won't die alone. I promise you that." "Mulder, that's not fair!" "I never said I'd fight fair." "Jesus... I told you, I can't... I just can't..." "You're tired, Scully. Battle worn. I've been there. I can help you." "How?" "Let me restore what's been taken from you, your hope, your faith, your will to go on." "I don't see how you can do that, Mulder." "Let me love you. Really love you, Scully. Let me hold you in my arms. Let me kiss you like I've always dreamed of kissing you, slow and deep until I've taken your breath away. Let me touch you, caress you, memorize every inch of your silky soft skin. Let me make love to you for hours, with all the passion that is in my heart. Let me make up for all the terrible things that have happened to you, by letting one incredibly wonderful thing happen to both of us. I love you, Scully. Let me make you believe that with all YOUR heart." "I want to believe, Mulder." "Then put that gun down and get over here, Scully." ~END~ Life is too short to drink bad wine.