Tell Me A Secret by TBishop27@aol.com Rated: R for Language only Category: V/Angst MSR Summary: Scully reveals a shocking secret to her partner. Feedback: Please, I’d like to know what you think on this. As always, flames will be forwarded to that dark part of my writer’s imagination that roams the night in search of victims. Disclaimer: This Mulder and Scully are mine, Chris. You don’t let me tell you what to do with yours so why should I listen to you about what I can do with mine? Tell Me A Secret They were on yet another monotonous stakeout which seemed to be going nowhere fast. After six long nights of surveilling the suspect without incident worthy of note, Mulder and Scully were getting used to each other’s all night companionship. They’d become even more comfortable than usual with the banter and innuendo. To fill the hours they talked about anything and everything. At first it was in depth discussions about trivial things like favorite childhood television shows... Was Batman really in love with Catwoman? Who was cooler, the Riddler or the Joker? Then things warmed up at bit and they tried to guess each others favorite colors, favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite music... They we’re actually surprised at how little they really knew about one another after working so closely together for so long. That discovery didn’t sit well with Mulder, and he dreamed up one way after another to get his partner to reveal her little secrets to him. They had never talked like this before. Not at any length anyway. Mulder felt like he’d really reached Scully, and that the walls were finally coming down. He was thrilled with himself for getting Scully to smile and laugh for the first time in too many weeks. She’d been through so much in the years that he’d known her... so much tragedy and pain. The effects on her were heartbreakingly evident to him. From the dark and serious clothing that she wore now exclusively, down to the haunted sadness reflected in her eyes, Scully was a changed woman. She’d grown tough and hardened as scar upon scar marred her psyche. Her body was weary from too many battles and her heart wrapped in a shroud of perpetual darkness, but her spirit refused to give up the fight. He marveled at her inner strength, at her soul’s stubborn determination to prevail against all odds. He once thought the life of Fox Mulder had to be some cruel universal joke being played out to entertain the God’s of fate...he still did to some extent. Only now that he’d witnessed what fate had dished up for his partner he found it difficult to lament his own misfortunes. Scully had suffered so much more than he ever had. What right did he have to complain? So any time he could cheer her or offer her a moment’s respite from the despondency that weighted her small shoulders, his own spirit was boosted almost to the point of elation. This was one of those rare happy moments they shared together. Scully’s gentle laughter filled the car like sweet music. “Oh, Mulder...” She sighed, wiping at the corners of her eyes and trying to catch her breath. “That has to be the funniest story I’ve ever heard.” “It’s nice to know my collegial antics amuse you, Scully.” He shifted in his seat until he was facing her. He didn’t want to miss a moment of Scully’s happiness. “So... I told you my big secret, isn’t it your turn to tell me yours? I believe that’s how the game works.” She nodded. “I suppose it does.” “Well? Do tell, Agent Scully.” Her smile faded as she considered his request. Her biggest secret? Something she’d never told to anyone before? Well of course she knew what that was, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to share it, even with her very best friend. It was so personal and revealing. A chance for someone to see inside a place where Scully never allowed visitors. Could she trust anyone with that much of herself? She looked at his face and contemplated only briefly... she had to trust someone. And certainly Mulder would understand better than anyone else. He watched as the joy of a moment ago faded from her face. Damn it! He didn’t mean to bring her down. “Hey, Scully, it’s no biggie. You don’t have to tell me.” “No, Mulder, I want to. I need to tell someone. And I don’t think I can tell anyone this but you.” Her words drew him closer. He responded immediately when she reached for his hand. With a gentle squeeze he thanked her for her trust, and encouraged her to go on. Never in his wildest imaginings could he have prepared himself for what she said next. “I almost committed suicide.” Mulder tried hard not to let his shock and dismay be too evident as Scully searched his expression for a reaction. He wouldn’t judge her... hell, he couldn’t judge her... he’d been there himself on more than one occasion. This was Scully though, the strongest person he had ever met. It was an astonishing revelation. Being at a complete loss for words... he wasn’t sure he could speak at this point even if he did know the right thing to say... Mulder simply gripped her hand a little firmer and waited for her to continue. “It happened right after Emily.” She closed her eyes at the memory of her dead daughter, that angelic little face begging for someone to stop her suffering. “I couldn’t see past the pain. There had been so much of it all at once... Christmas without Melissa, having to cope with my sterility with Bill and Tara about to have a baby, realizing that I had become an object of pity among my family, finding Emily and discovering that she was actually my daughter and all the implications of that, your confession about what you knew had been done to me during my abduction, having to cope with Emily’s sickness and the absolute helplessness I felt as I watched her die... It was difficult enough to watch as a physician, but as her mother... I was screaming inside. I can’t describe to you the rage and defeat I felt when I opened her tiny casket and found that they’d taken her body... They wouldn’t even let me bury her, Mulder!” Her voice caught as the first tears began to fall down her cheeks. Mulder reached over and wiped them away with his free hand, the one that Scully wasn’t squeezing so hard that it hurt. “I know, sweetheart, I’m so, so sorry.” What else could he say? Damn them for doing this to her! She took a deep breath and let it out, trying to get a handle on her emotions. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of Mulder. He’d seen that side of her too many times as far as she was concerned. “Anyway,” she went on. “My life was suddenly nothing but pain everywhere I looked. And I felt completely and utterly alone. I couldn’t see any other way out.” Mulder winced at the thought of Scully’s despair becoming so absolute that she felt her only option was death. “I wanted to be there for you. Why wouldn’t you let me in?” “I couldn’t, Mulder. I didn’t have the strength to overcome my fears. I’ve always been afraid of letting people get too close... letting myself get too close to others. I guess it stems from my childhood and all the moving from place to place. I never had a best friend until I went away to college. Melissa was always the one who I confided in. I knew she would always be there for me... hmmph.” She offered him a melancholy smile. “Guess I was wrong, huh?” He wanted to hold her and comfort her, but he knew she had more she wanted to tell. She needed him to listen now. Mulder’s sympathetic eyes met hers, and Scully took a brief moment of consolation in the tenderness she found there. Then she went back to her story, and focused her gaze on the dashboard instead. “It was January and the weather had been unseasonably warm for DC. I kept hoping for snow, but all it did day after day was rain. I remember thinking how symbolic it was that the rain wouldn’t stop pouring outside and the pain wouldn’t stop pouring inside... I’ve since gotten used to the frequent storm fronts that blow in.” She tried to smile at the joke, but it was all too true to really be funny. “To continue the analogy, I felt as though I had suddenly been dropped into a hurricane without any shelter to turn to. It grew impossible to fight the forces working against me. I just wanted to let the wind sweep me away and take me out to sea.” “When I first realized I was seriously considering taking my own life it terrified me. I drove over to your apartment, but I couldn’t bring myself to go inside. I sat out in the car for hours and tried to find the courage to tell you what I was feeling, and ask for your help. Eventually, you came out of the building with your sweats on and a basketball tucked under your arm. I wanted to stop you, but I just watched as you got into your car and drove away. It was then that I realized that I had already made my decision. That was why I couldn’t face you... because I couldn’t say goodbye.” Mulder rested his forehead on the steering wheel and struggled to comprehend what she was telling him. The sinking feeling in his stomach grew worse as she pulled him deeper and deeper into her sorrowful tale. She’d needed him, but couldn’t ask... how typically Scully of her. And how typically Mulder of him not to have known. As close as they were, after all they’d been through together, and he couldn’t see that his best friend in all the world was on the verge of suicide. How fucking dense was he, he wondered? “I called my mom on the drive home. I just wanted to hear her voice one last time. I hung up after she said ‘hello’. I knew if I tried to talk to her she would know, and I didn’t want anyone to try and stop me after I made up my mind to do it. I went into a Church by my apartment and said some prayers for my family, and for you, Mulder. I didn’t pray for myself. I knew I was damning my soul to purgatory with what I was going to do. I didn’t dare ask for mercy for the sin I was about to commit.” “By the time I finally got home it was dark. I remember I sat out in the car for a long time trying to decide how I would do it. Something violent was my first inclination, some gruesome expression of my inner rage. The more grisly the scene of my death the better. Slashing my wrists appealed to me... all that blood spilt.” Mulder felt sick at the thought of it. “Scully...” He shook his head to clear away that horrible image she’d just put there. “I know. I didn’t want you or my mother to have to see that. Even putting a bullet in my brain was going to be too messy I eventually decided. What I ended up with was a nice peaceful overdose. Not exactly the statement I was hoping to make, but the effect of the end result would be the same. I still had quite a supply of pain killers in the medicine cabinet leftover from my bout with cancer. More than enough to adequately do myself in.” “I decided that I wouldn’t leave a note. Everyone who mattered to me would know why I did it. And I didn’t want a copy of my most private thoughts on file in some police station or down at the Bureau for THEM to get a hold of and read for their twisted amusement.” “And so I figured I’d made all the necessary decisions. I got out of the car and took a long walk in the rain. I was too numb to care that I was drenched to the skin and freezing cold. It was the strangest feeling, Mulder. I felt like I was already dead, like I no longer belonged to the world around me. The farther I walked, the more I withdrew into myself.” “By the time I got back to my apartment I had completely retreated inside myself. I was acutely aware of every breath I took and every beat of my heart... but nothing else. I didn’t remember how I got there, or how I used the key to get in, or that I’d hit the playback button on my answering machine like I always do when I come in the door. It was just there, suddenly... your voice. It startled me out of my trance. I actually scanned the apartment expecting to see you there, before I realized what I’d done. I still remember exactly what you said... ‘Hey, Scully, it’s me. I was just thinking about what you said the other day about wishing it would snow and... I was wondering if you’d like to take a drive up to the mountains with me tomorrow? Call me if you’re interested. If not I’ll see you at work on Monday.’” “I just started sobbing and couldn’t stop. I played that damn message over and over and over... and I kept telling myself ‘let go... let go... let go...’” Mulder couldn’t stand it any longer. He reached across the seat and pulled Scully into his arms. “Never, never let go.” He whispered into her hair as he crushed her against him as tight as he could. He was shaking and he couldn’t hold back the tears any more. He’d almost lost her and he never even knew. The fact that he’d been completely oblivious to all of this scared him like nothing else ever had. “I listened to your message until the sun came up.” She gave a short laugh through her tears. “In the morning I looked out the window and the rain had stopped... and I was still alive.” “I couldn’t let go of you, Mulder. I didn’t want to leave you. I thought about how much I’d be hurting you by taking my life, and I just couldn’t do that to you. You were my reason for living... the one that I couldn’t let go of.” “I’m sorry...” He said sitting back from her now. “...sorry that I didn’t know. Some fucking brilliant psychologist I am. The person closest to me was suicidal and I hadn’t a clue.” He shook his head in disgust. “I’m just thankful you had the strength to get through it by yourself, Scully. I never stopped before to really think about the sum total of all you were dealing with at that time. If I had, maybe I would have realized what a desperate situation you were in. You shouldn’t have had to go through all that alone. I’m sorry I had my head so far up my ass I didn’t see what was happening right in front of me. I wouldn’t have been able to go on... if you had killed yourself. It would have been the end for me too. Somehow, through all that, you managed to save both our lives, Scully. You have more inner fortitude than I could ever hope to have... thank God for that.” “Mulder, I thought you’d think I was weak. That’s why I never told you... I thought you’d be ashamed of me.” He couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Ashamed? Scully, I’m always proud of you.” “I’m not. I almost took the coward’s way out. I was so close to cashing it in that night. If it hadn’t been for your call...” Mulder smiled at her. “It was a nice drive to the mountains, Scully.” She nodded and smiled at the memory of their winter drive through the snowy landscape. Everything had seemed so vivid and breathtaking that day, like that scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy steps out of her black and white world into one of amazing Technicolor. Being in that paradise with Mulder had been the perfect medicine to heal her ailing spirit. Mulder remembered Scully’s cheeks and nose red from the cold. Her blue eyes set off so beautifully against her pale skin. He recalled a snowball fight that ended up with them wrestling each other and laughing to the point of tears. Sipping hot chocolate in the lodge and watching the snow fall out the big picture windows. Snuggling by the fire long after the sun had set for the day. He started the car engine and she gave him a puzzled look. “What are you doing, Mulder?” He reached over and ran the back of one finger down the softness of her cheek. “I’m suddenly feeling the need to see the snow.” ~END~ Life is too short to drink bad wine.