Waiting by TBishop27@aol.com Category: Angst/MSR Rated: R Feedback: I'm insatiable! Disclaimer: This Mulder and Scully are mine. Chris gets paid money for his. What I do, I do for love. Summary: Waiting is never easy. Author's Note: Thanks to David, Shoshana, and Shell for beta and moral support. And to Grasshopper, Web Mistress extraordinaire for upkeep of The Literary G-Spot. WAITING No! I want to scream it. No, Mulder, not again. Don't do this to me again. But he's already gone. And I can't follow after him. I have a job to do. Me and my gun are all that stand between justice and an easy escape for the two suspects face down at my feet. Damn him! Why can't he stand guard for once and let me make the chase? Instead, he leaves me here, helpless to stop any harm from coming his way. I'm supposed to be watching his back. How the fuck do I do that when he's always leaving me behind? And so I wait. And God help these two if they should try anything in the mood I'm in. It's because of them, and their buddy inside that warehouse with Mulder, that I am once again at risk of losing him. He knows I hate this. But he goes right ahead and does it time and again. Of course, he thinks it's just an equality issue with me. He's argued that he's the faster runner, and it has nothing to do with machismo. What he doesn't understand is that my indignation is a result of fear, not professional jealousy. I'm terrified of not being there if he should need me. I've already called for backup, and the second it arrives I'm going in after him. But in the meantime, I'm going out of my mind with worry. He's been out of my sight less than two minutes but it feels like hours. My heart is pounding hard against my chest, my breathing is fast and irregular as the adrenaline pumps through my veins. Oh, God! Gunshots echo through the darkened building. I count them... five, six, seven. The firing of two distinct weapons. My mouth goes dry. I am desperate to go to him, but I can't. I can't leave these two! The gun battle has ended. A deafening silence fills the night air. Please, please, please, God, let Mulder be all right. I offer up prayers and promises as the seconds continue to tick by in silence. I should have heard something from him by now. Damn it, Mulder, where are you? As the minutes pass, my fear grows to crippling intensity. Where is he? It's been too long. Dear, God, it's been too long. I feel tears stinging my eyes, blurring my vision. Mulder, please, call out. Let me know you're alive. Nothing. I wait. Numb. Dreading. I've all but convinced myself something has happened to him. Damn it, Mulder! How could you do this to me? Finally, I hear sirens in the distance, growing closer. Hurry... hurry, I chant in my head. I need to go to him. I need to help him. I'm so scared, so scared of what lies waiting for me inside that abandoned building. My life is inside those walls, and quite possibly my death. If I have lost Mulder... there will be nothing left for me. So many losses over the years, and I still have found the strength somehow to survive, but not this, not him. I couldn't go on. For without him, there is no reason to fight the depression, no reason to stare down my fears, no reason to bear the pain of another day. Flashes of blue light. Screeching tires. I hold my breath until the police make their way to where I stand frozen in time. I show them my badge and turn over my prisoners. "My name is Scully. I'm a Federal Agent. My partner is inside the building in pursuit of a third suspect. Shots were fired about six minutes ago. I'm going inside now. Keep an eye on these two." It's said all at once, without so much as a breath between words. Then, I'm running off, anxious to find Mulder, and fearful to discover what destiny fate has prepared for me. I know something's wrong. It's been too quiet for too long. I enter the warehouse through the same door my partner did only minutes ago. Darkness. It takes my eyes precious seconds to adjust. I am straining to see him through shards of moonlight peeking in broken windows. I listen for anything that might tell me where Mulder is. The air is deathly quiet, the thick walls refusing to betray even the chaos outside. "Mulder!" I call out his name and pray to God that he answers. I am answered immediately, but not by his voice. The ear piercing crack of a gun at close range. I am falling before I even realize I've been hit. The ground comes up hard beneath me. "Scully!" Thank God! Thank God, Mulder is still alive. I try to fight the weakness that has suddenly pervaded every part of my body. I want to see him. Damn it! I need to see that he's all right. But it's no use. My body is no longer my own to control. I fall back against the cold cement floor, and it occurs to me I may have just been fatally wounded. Over the pounding of pulse in my ears I hear the faded exchange of gunfire. Jesus, Mulder, I don't have the strength to help you. I struggle against hope to pull myself up. Maybe I can get a shot in while the perp is focused on Mulder. I won't go down without a fight. But from nowhere there are suddenly hands and unfamiliar faces. Voices, but I can make little of what they are saying. I try to tell them to go and help Mulder, but my speech is garbled, and I taste the metallic tang of blood in my mouth. And then he is there. A beautiful vision in my dimming sight. Mulder. Everything else fades away. "Scully, Oh my God... Scully." I can barely hear him, but I read the words from his lips. He turns from me and yells something I can't hear. I feel cold, and my body starts to shake. Mulder's coat is off him in a heartbeat, and he covers me in his familiar scent and the heavy comfort of winter wool. When his face comes close to my own, I see the fear in his eyes. Oh, Mulder, it's okay. "Hey." He tries smiling. Does he really think I can't see through his mask? "Hang in there, partner, help's on the way." All my efforts to speak are in vain. A cool, trembling hand finds my cheek. I shut my eyes and sink into the softness of his touch. "Scully?" I am drifting... "Scully!" The panic in his voice brings me back to full consciousness. My eyes are met by anguished green. I try to convey with a look, the love that I've never spoken of. A tear spills over his long lashes and anoints my forehead. The darkness is growing. I choke and cough, battling to breathe, drowning in my own blood. "Don't leave me, Scully. Damn it, please... please don't leave me," he sobs. Help me! Mulder, help me! I reach out a desperate hand for him to save me from this pit of darkness I am slipping into. I need air. I'm suffocating in the blackness, the weight of it crushes my chest, makes it impossible to draw a single breath. He catches my hand and squeezes it tight. Don't let go, Mulder... don't let go. I am so sorry, Mulder. I don't want to leave you. I can't... I can't hold on... any longer. My eyes flutter closed and again I am drifting... "... Please, Scully... Don't... me. God, Jesus, no!" I am tumbling though the dark, Mulder's cries are my only anchor to life. "I love you, Scully." I hear it so loud and clear I'm certain I must have dreamt it. It's the last thing I'm aware of before I am completely swallowed up by the cold night. ************************************************ I've said every prayer I know at least five times. Maybe if I had Scully's faith, I wouldn't be so paralyzed with fear. I say the words but I don't really know that anyone's listening. I hope, but don't really believe my pleas will be answered. But Scully believes, and it is for her that I offer these invocations. The paramedics did everything they could for her. The ride in the ambulance was nothing short of my worst nightmare realized. "We're losing her!" The words repeat over and over in my mind. They worked frantically to keep Scully alive and get her to the hospital where the trauma team was ready and waiting. So much blood. Scully's blood, everywhere. God damn bastard shot her in the chest. God damn dead bastard. When I saw her take the hit, I was on him without another thought. The last thing he saw was the barrel of my gun three inches from his face. Damn it, why did she have to come looking for me? She knows better than to enter a building like that and announce herself. She knows better! Damn her for being so reckless! Why couldn't she have stayed outside? By some miracle she made it to the hospital. And the last time I saw Scully, her pale lifeless body was being attended to by a flurry of medical personnel as they rushed her off to surgery. I've been waiting for over two hours without a word. I managed to call Skinner and tell him... Hell, I don't even know what I told the man. But he showed up twenty minutes later, and thankfully took charge of the situation. They want me to answer questions, reports need to be made, but I can't... I can't think about anything but Scully right now. I told her I loved her, but I don't think she heard me. She had already slipped into unconsciousness by the time I could manage to get the words out. I wanted her to know. I wanted her to believe me this time. I've been in love with her for years, but never made an issue of it. I was always waiting for the right moment to tell her, to really tell her. She didn't believe me the first time I said the words. She thought it was just the painkillers talking. Every time I close my eyes I see her pallid face, her frightened, pleading, desperate eyes. God, she looked bad. By the time I got to her she couldn't speak. She was in shock, and losing blood like crazy. Thank God the paramedics got there quickly. Five minutes later and Scully would have died in that warehouse, as I helplessly watched at her side. The thought sends a shudder through me. Death is such a real possibility in our line of work, yet seldom do we let ourselves consider it. It's just something you accept, until you're faced with it. I can't accept this. I can't lose Scully. I feel so helpless. I want to be doing something. But this fight is her own. There is some comfort to be taken in the fact that Scully is one hell of a fighter. She's battled death on too many occasions... but she's always stronger. My faith in God is riddled with doubts, my faith in Scully is my firmest conviction. But there is more than just her will to live to be considered here. Her life is once again in the hands of doctors and nurses who cannot possibly realize the true magnitude of their work. They do not know that two lives depend upon their skilled fingers in that operating room. If Scully dies, she will not die alone. We are partners. This hospital has outstanding trauma care. Or so Scully has told me. She's in the best hands. I have to believe there is hope. Over the years, I've come to hate hospitals. The smell of antiseptic and illness holds too many painful memories. I've played this waiting game so many times. And each experience seems worse than the one before, the new pain and fear so much more vivid and abhorrent. If there is a hell, for me it is a hospital waiting room and the endless anticipation... "You doing okay, Agent?" Skinner's tense words startle me from my thoughts. He offers a paper cup of hot coffee, and when I reach for it, I realize for the first time that my hands are covered with the dried remnants of Scully's blood. I turn them over in front of me, examining the crimson stains, noticing the slight tremble, remembering the horror. Skinner sets the cup on the table, beside a stack of outdated magazines. "Maybe you should go wash up." How do I tell him I don't want to without sounding like some kind of sick pervert? I'm afraid of letting go of her. Right now I can't bear the thought of this blood, her life, washing away. I cherish the sticky residue that clings to my skin, a symbol of the invisible bond that Scully and I share. I can't wash it away. I have to hold on to her. I shake my head, and whether he understands or not, I don't know. He sits on the sofa beside me with a tired sigh. "I called Scully's mom, but she wasn't home. I left a message for her to call me." "I think she's out of town." My voice is rough and sounds too loud to my own ears. "In Vermont... Scully said she has friends there." God, Maggie's going to be beside herself. I wonder how many more of these phone calls the poor woman can take? But then I remember Scully got her strength from her mother, and I know Maggie will take as many phone calls as come her way. I only wish she were here right now. I could use some of her emotional fortitude. I'm two ticks of the clock away from a complete breakdown. "Maybe I should call her brother in California." Skinner proposes it and I cringe. Bill Scully. The man hates me with every fiber of his being. This is going to be another reason to add to his ever growing list of why his sister should leave the FBI, why she should leave me. Times like these I have to agree with him though, even if he is the most imperious asshole I've ever met. Jesus, I don't envy Skinner having to make that call. A woman decked in surgical scrubs enters the waiting room forestalling for a moment that ominous event. She walks over to me, looking me up and down, then smiles grimily. "You have to be Mulder." I'm a bit taken aback, but still so overwhelmed with worry that I don't even ask. She offers an explanation, anyway. "I'm Leigh Graham. Dana and I went to medical school together. Trauma surgery is my field of expertise." She grins. "It's my job to keep Dana from having to do hers." She pulls up a chair and rests her elbows on her knees. "I've heard a lot about you, Mulder." "How's Scully?" Casual conversation and pleasantries can wait. I hold my breath, anxious to hear the verdict. Dr. Graham sighs and slips off her scrub hat, revealing a frazzled mop of blonde curls. "Well, she made it through surgery like a trooper. Hell of a nasty bullet wound though. The bullet entered just below her right breast, puncturing the lung. We put in a chest tube, but ended up having to do a wedge resection. There was just too much damage." "What's the prognosis?" Skinner startles me with his words. I forgot he was sitting there. "Well, there's some serious risks of complications, but Dana is young and strong. I don't see any reason not to expect a full recovery. I've got her on post-operative antibiotics. My biggest concern at this point is pneumonia." "When can I see her?" It's the question that's been foremost on my mind since I watched them wheel her away. "Well... She's in recovery right at the moment. We'll be moving her to the ICU initially. Doesn't Dana have any family here to be with her?" "Her mom's out of town and we haven't been able to reach her yet," Skinner offers. "Agent Mulder is family. They've been partners a long time." The doctor nods. "I understand." Then she pats me on the knee. "Dana and I have had lunch a few times over the years. I gathered there was more than just a working relationship by the way she lit up whenever she talked about you. Love is fairly obvious, after all. I'll tell the nurses it's okay for you to sit with her in the recovery room. It's good for patients to know their loved ones are near by when they're in post-op." She gets up to leave but turns back and indicates my hands. "You better get yourself cleaned up first, or they won't let you anywhere near her." And then she disappears around the corner. ************************************************ I'm still drifting... but this time I am drifting to awareness instead of unconsciousness. I hear voices and familiar sounds, though my brain is having difficulty processing it all. I become cognizant of my own discomfort. My throat is raw. My mouth is dry. My chest hurts. Breathing is an effort. I feel nauseous. It's all too much and I surrender once again to blissful sleep... In sleep I am alone on a quiet beach. The sun is warm. The water gently laps at the shoreline. It is peaceful here... "Scully?" Mulder has invaded my dream. I can't see him, but I hear his gentle voice rumbling in my ears. I smile. Will he come to me as a lover tonight? Those are my favorite dreams. The ones where he holds me in his arms and we make love like nothing else exists beyond us. He is always so giving, so tender, so passionate. His kisses take my breath away... "Scully, can you hear me?" Mmmm... My lover's voice. I feel a kindly touch on my cheek, softly urging me awake. "Come on, Scully, open your eyes." Eyes? Oh, yes... I forgot. I blink into the harsh light of another world. He is leaning over me. Mulder. What a beautiful sight to wake up to. But this is not a dream. "Mulder, what are you doing in my bed?" And why am I so damn groggy? Sheesh, I feel drugged. Mulder flashes me one of his best smiles. "If I answered spooning like baby cats would you shoot me again?" "Spooning... Mmmm, yes." That's nice. Hold me closer, Mulder... The beach... There is a warm breeze caressing my naked flesh. Mulder is curled around me, kissing the back of my neck. The stubble of his unshaven face is rough against my sun-pinked skin. I moan as his hands begin wandering over me, seeking places he knows will render me helpless to his touch. "Mmm... Yes, Mulder... yesss." "Dana? Dana, can you hear me? This is Leigh. Can you hear me, Dana? Wake up." Leigh? Leigh who? Where did my Mulder go? "Dana? It's Leigh Graham. Can you open your eyes?" Leigh Graham? Trauma surgeon... Oh, God! I remember now. I was shot. As the experience starts flooding back into my memory, I'm becoming aware of a lot of discomfort. Each breath is painful. It hurts like hell to swallow. Forcing my eyes open, I struggle to focus. The room spins a little and I quickly shut my eyes, afraid I might get sick. "Dana, how do you feel?" She asks. "Like shit." I croak out. I hear a familiar chuckle in the background. Forgetting the dizziness, my head turns to look for the face to go along with that laugh. I open my eyes again and Mulder is there, right beside me. "Morning, sunshine." "You... you look terrible." I tell him. And he does. "Hell of a long night, Scully." He looks as though he's been up for days. Wait a second... "How long?" I ask. His face is marked with that same furry stubble I dreamed about only a moment ago. "You've been unconscious for three days, Dana." A female voice puts in. Mom? I look for her. She's sitting by the window on the other side of the room. "Mom, I'm sorry... I've ruined your trip." "Oh, honey, please." She gets up and comes over to my bedside. "The important thing is that you're all right. You had us worried sick for a while, Dana Katherine." I reach out for her, ignoring the IV tether. She takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. Leigh comes back into the picture again. She folds down the scratchy hospital bed sheets. Explaining while she does her exam, "You were hit in the chest. Bullet punctured the lung, right lower lobe. Unfortunately, I had to do a wedge resection. Honestly, Dana, I'm amazed you pulled through. You were nearly bled out when they brought you in." My eyes immediately seek Mulder again. Hearing this news, I feel an inexplicable need to reconnect with him. He reassures me with tired eyes. 'I love you, Scully.' The words come back to me as if out of a dream. Yet, I'm not entirely sure they were just a fantasy. I must have held his gaze longer than I realize, for the next thing I know, Leigh has finished checking her incision and is tucking the covers back up around me. "Everything looks good, Dana. No sign of infection. And thankfully no post-operative complications thus far. You're the model patient." "I've had a lot of experience," I quip, instantly feeling guilty when my mother winces. She lets go of my hand and returns to her place by the window. I understand now why my father resented my decision to become a federal agent. My mother has suffered long for my determination to pursue this career. I love her for never questioning my choice. ************************************************ He enters the room like an icy breeze. I stiffen, putting my back up against the wind that is Bill Scully Jr. His eyes narrow on me in a venomous stare. Thankfully, Scully is asleep now. She nodded off shortly after her mother left about an hour ago. Maggie didn't mention her son was flying out. Lucky me. I'm the lone reception party. "Jesus Christ, don't you ever leave her alone?" is his greeting to me. I'm tired as hell and it's been a bitch of a few days, the last thing I'm in the mood for is a Bill Scully guilt trip. "Nice to see you too," I mumble as he makes his way from the door to his sister's bedside. "She just fell back to sleep not too long ago. I doubt she'll be ready for visitors anytime soon." I wish he'd take the hint and go. The way he looks at her... there's no mistaking his anguish. Bill Scully may have a lousy way of showing it, but he does love his sister. He watches her, her shallow breathing, her pale complexion. But quickly the tenderness in his eyes turns to rage again, and he returns his focus to me. "You're not going to be happy until you fucking get her killed! Why don't you just take that gun of yours out and shoot her right now? It would be a hell of a lot more humane than this... killing her piece by piece!" "Keep your voice down. She needs her rest. And there are a lot of other patients in this hospital who do too. There isn't any reason to yell." "You nearly get my sister killed and I'm not supposed to get upset? I'm supposed to take it calmly?" "I'm not responsible for this." I'm not going to let him blame me this time. "You sorry son of a bitch, you don't have a fucking clue, do you?" "About what?" I'm a little tired of his name calling too. "About why she's so willing to follow you to her death. She's in love with you, you stupid prick! And if you were any kind of a decent man you'd tell her to get as far away from you as she can. If you cared about her at all, you'd try to protect her from this nightmare life you lead!" I am too stunned to reply. Which doesn't really matter because Scully's big mouth brother has just succeeded in waking her up. "Bill?" She fights off the effects of the heavy medication she's been given. "Dana." He forgets me for the moment, which is fine because I'm still thunderstruck by what he said. "How are you feeling, sis?" "Mmm...Sleepy." She smiles weakly. I'll say this for Bill Scully, he's nothing if he isn't persistent. "Well, you look like hell. I spoke with Mom earlier and she sounded awful herself. For Godsake, Dana, how much more of this are you going to put yourself through, put Mom through, put the whole family through? You just about got yourself killed again. Enough is enough! It's time you stopped playing this dangerous game and went back to medicine where you belong." Scully's anger brings her fully awake. "Billy, we've had this conversation before." He points an accusing finger at me but his attention is on his sister. "He's not worth this, Dana! He's not worth your life! He doesn't give a damn about you! If he did, he wouldn't let you put yourself at risk every day!" "Stop it. Leave Mulder out of this." "But he's the cause of it! This fucking partner of yours is the reason we lost Missy. Your association with him drove Dad into an early grave! Dad was worried about you... you worried him to death!" Scully's horrified face propels me into action. I fly out of my chair to stand at eye level with Bill. "That's enough!" I warn him. "This is a family conversation, asshole, butt out!" Then he turns back to Scully before I can reply. "Don't you care what you're doing to Mom? What kind of a daughter are you, Dana? Why would you want to put her through this time and again?" I've had all I can take of this! I grab Scully's brother by the arm and spin him around to face me. "I said that's enough! The last thing she needs right now is one of your tirades." He rips his arm away from my grasp. "Get your fucking hands off me! I know what my sister needs! She needs to stop being so God damn selfish for once in her life! She needs to open her eyes and realize what she's doing to her family! She needs to stop following you around like a lovesick school girl and grow up, use that expensive education Dad paid for to earn herself a decent living! She needs to get a life, get married to a suitable man and settle down!" I'd really like to deck the guy, but somehow I manage to restrain myself. "This isn't the time to discuss this." I tell him as calmly as I can manage. He completely ignores me and turns his wrath back to Scully. "Look at yourself, Dana! You're a shadow of who you used to be. Every time I see you I'm sickened by what you've become. You're nothing but a damn ghoul now, just like he is! There's no color to you, no life anymore. How do you expect to get yourself a husband with that scarred up, skeleton of a body? Christ, you can't even have kids! This job has even taken that from you!" So much for self-restraint. Scully's brother or not, this man has just stepped over the line. I grab him by the shirt collar and shove him towards the door. "I want you out of here, now! She's in no condition for this! Get the hell out of this room!" "Mulder..." I hear Scully's frail admonishment, but I'm too busy to look back at her. Bill Scully and I lock stares. "You have no right to interfere in this! It's you who needs to leave! I want you to get the hell away from my sister!" With each sentence he takes another threatening stride towards me. "Billy, please!" Scully is on the verge of tears. I see a flash of Irish fire in his eyes, and then Bill grabs me by the front of my shirt and starts to escort me to the door. I push him away and we end up locked in a battle of pulling and shoving. At some point, Bill manages to draw a fist on me and clobber me with a right cross, sending me flying across the room and crashing into a chair. "Damn it, Bill!" Scully gasps. "Mulder are you all right?" My jaw hurts like hell but I'm not about to show that bastard brother of hers that he's had any effect on me at all. Well, other than the fact that I'm on the floor, that is. I hurry to my feet, pulling myself to my full height, posturing like a bully in a street brawl. "You just assaulted a Federal Agent. I can have you brought up on charges. I can have you court-martialed. Wanna take another swing at me, Billy boy?" "Hiding behind your badge, Mulder? Why doesn't that surprise me? I always knew you were a coward." "I'm not afraid to fight you. But this is neither the time nor place. As much as I think she might enjoy it, I don't think I want Scully to have to watch me beat the shit out of her pompous ass of a brother." "In your dreams, dickhead." He snorts. "But you're right, this isn't the place. Why don't we take this outside?" "Damn it, Billy! Mulder, please! Enough of this!" Somehow Scully has managed to sit herself up in bed. "I'll call security on both of you, if you don't stop this shit right now!" She winces from the effort it took to yell at us. Her hand goes to her chest and she takes a few labored breaths. I'm at her side immediately, forgetting my rift with Bill. "Scully, Jesus, lay down." She lets me ease her back on the pillow. "Mulder, don't let him goad you into fighting him," she warns me quietly, as I tuck her in. "He'll kill you." "Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think I can handle myself." She shakes her head. "He was Golden Gloves Champion at Annapolis three years running." Fuck! What are the odds? "Oh." I look back over my shoulder at Bill and he's got this evil grin plastered on his face. "When you're done playing nursemaid, I'll be waiting outside," he tells me as he reaches for the door. "And when I'm through turning your partner into hamburger meat, Dana, I'm coming back here and we're going to discuss your resignation from the FBI." And then he slips out the door. "Like hell!" Scully yells after him. "I'll be back," I say to her, too angry to care whether I'm making the stupidest decision of my life or not. I want to kick his ass! Scully catches my arm before I can get away. "No, Mulder, please! Just let him go. Calm down and shake it off. I know he makes you angry. But please, let it go... for me?" "But, Scully..." And there's no way to describe my tone, other than whining. "I know, Mulder, I know." She pets my arm like she's soothing a wild animal. "He has a gift for pissing people off. Stay here with me. Don't go after him." I hate when she looks at me like that. Damn! So much for standing up and being a man. With a heavy sigh I reluctantly nod my acquiescence and Scully smiles, gratefully relieved. "Thank you, Mulder. Besides, he's my brother... When I get better I'll kick his ass myself." "Well, you're not going to get better if you don't rest, Scully. And you're not going to get any rest as long as he's hounding you. And he's not going to stop hounding you..." "Until I quit the FBI," she finishes for me. The words hang in the air between us. I search her eyes for any sign that she might be considering it. I find only the stubborn determination that I have come to know so well. Her medication is fighting her for control. Her eyelids grow heavy. She needs to sleep. I settle into the chair beside her once more. "Rest, Scully. I'm not going anywhere, I promise." She nods and smiles, eyes already closed. After a few seconds, she has succumbed once again to the oblivion of barbiturate bliss. As I watch her sleep, I wonder at her brother's words, 'She's in love with you' and the words of Dr. Graham, 'Love is fairly obvious, after all.' But is it? Obvious, I mean. Do I dare believe? She's never said the words. Is she as afraid as I am to reveal what's in her heart? Is she waiting for the perfect moment to confess her love? Or is what they all think they see just a deeper form of friendship, a bond rooted in love but void of the passion that inspires desire? Bill was right about one thing. I am a coward. I'm afraid to know the truth. ************************************************ In the darkness of my bedroom, Mulder's naked body finds mine between the cool layers of cotton and down. We become entangled in an ardent lover's dance. I use lips, tongue and hands to savor every inch of him. He consumes me with the same intensity. It is the release we've waited for all these years. At last we have given ourselves permission to love. "Oh, Mulder..." I moan as he nibbles on my ear, sending a shiver across my neck and down my back. "Scully." "Yes, more." His thumbs brush over my nipples teasing me, heightening my need. "Please..." "Scully." He plants a path of kisses from the underside of my jaw, down across my throat, and over my breasts until his hot mouth closes over one straining peak and he suckles me. The stimulation makes me cry out. "Oh, yes!" "Scully, wake up!" What? It all disappears. Another dream. Always just another dream. Blinking awake, I find the star of that dream standing beside my bed with an amused expression on his face. Damn it, I hope I wasn't talking in my sleep again. Painkiller's do that to me. "You were dreaming," he informs me. "Was I?" Best to play ignorant. "I heard my name." He grins. "Sounded like a pretty damn good dream." "I don't remember." I have to look away from him. "Your face is flushed, Scully. Are you feeling all right?" He places his cool hand on my forehead, and I'm startled by the effect caused by such a simple gesture. I'm terribly aroused. "It's just a little warm in here. Must be the medication." "Here," he says, folding the covers down past my knees. "Is that better?" I nod, but I wish he hadn't done that. These hospital gowns don't leave much to the imagination as it is. My erect nipples are quite obvious confirmation of what he already suspects. Thank God I'm on drugs. At least I can claim no memory of this in the future. Mulder's eyes pass quickly over my body, and I notice the briefest hesitation when he glances at my breasts. He starts chewing on his lower lip. It's a nervous habit. "What time is it?" Anything to break the awkwardness of this moment. "Nearly eleven." "You must be exhausted." "I'm all right, Scully." "Mulder, why don't you go home and get some sleep?" "I took a nap earlier while you were snoring." Lovely. "I'm not talking about dozing off in a chair. You need some real sleep. In a bed. And maybe a shower and a shave too." "Okay, okay, I can take a hint. My eau de Mulder getting a little ripe for you?" "You could say that." "Will you be okay?" "Aren't I always?" He grins. "I'll come see you in the morning then." Mulder gathers up his jacket, but before he leaves he comes to me and kisses my cheek. "Pleasant dreams," he whispers, and for just a moment our eyes meet. I could swear he looked right into my soul. He leaves too quickly to notice that I'm trembling. ************************************************ I've got to just go in there and tell her. She's never going to believe me. Jesus, I'm not sure I believe me. Okay, enough! Just open the door and face the music. I have to tell her. I don't want her to find out from someone else. I force myself to stop pacing back and forth in front of the door to Scully's room. After a deep breath for courage, I push open the door to find her watching TV. She looks over at me and frowns. "Mulder, I thought you were going home?" As I come further into the room and she gets a better look at me, her eyes grow wide. "Oh my God, Mulder, what happened?" There's really no way to casually lead into this. It's just something that I have to confess, and then stand back and wait for the explosion. She's going to kill me. I sit down on the edge of her bed. Her hand comes up to trace fingertips over my badly swollen cheek. She sucks air in through her teeth when I wince at her touch. "You should have some ice on that." After what I've done I can take no pleasure in her sympathy. I look straight at her as I speak the words, hoping she will see the remorse that weighs heavily on me. "I shot your brother." "What?" The little bit of color she was gaining back is suddenly gone. "I didn't mean to Scully. I swear." "Mulder!" She tries to sit up. I gently, but firmly, prevent her from doing so by placing my hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. He's all right... I think. I hope. I mean, he is. They said it wasn't serious. He's down in the ER." She sighs, relieved. "Mulder, what happened?" "It was an accident. The gun went off by accident." I have to get up. And I start pacing the room. "Jesus, Scully, he was still waiting for me out in the parking lot. Before I knew what was happening, he started fighting with me!" "So you drew your weapon on him?" She really doesn't seem all that upset now. "No! Of course not. He knocked me down on the ground, my gun slipped out of the holster. When I tried to pick it up, he charged into me... The damn thing just went off. I didn't even have my finger on the trigger, I swear it!" Her hands cover her face and her shoulders start shaking. At first I think she's crying, but when her hands fall away, I see that's not the case at all. Scully is near hysterical with laughter. "It's not funny! I could have killed him." "Oh, Mulder... I'm sorry. You're right. It's not funny." She tries to get serious but bursts out laughing again. Must be the drugs. "Laugh it up, Scully. He's going to kill me when they release him from that ER." I'd gladly face another flukeman before I'd ever want to meet up with Bill Scully again. ************************************************ Mulder didn't want to, but I made him go home last night. A quick call to Mom explaining the situation with Billy, and she promised she'd keep him on a tight leash until she could get him on a plane back to Tara. The extent of Billy's injury was nothing more than a grazed shoulder. Really, he was damn lucky. Bill never should have attacked Mulder when he had his gun in his hand. My brother's temper runs just a little too hot. I can't believe he waited nine hours for Mulder to come out of my room! I haven't seen Billy yet. Mom took him straight home from the ER. I'll bet he wishes now that the bullet wound had been fatal. I told Mom everything... at least everything I could remember. She was so pissed at the way he treated me. And she was livid about him fighting Mulder. Not half as livid as I am though! Just a little before nine, Mulder pops his head in the door. "Is the coast clear?" He's wearing his darkest sunglasses, like Billy wouldn't recognize him. Mulder, the eternal comedian. I laugh despite myself. "Get in here, you!" He takes his usual chair right by my side. "Morning." The glasses come off and he folds them, then tucks them neatly into his pocket. Having had time to come into their full glory, Mulder's bruises are now vivid purple and green reminders of my brother's arrogance. I feel horrible that he has been subjected to this because of me. "I'm sorry about my brother, Mulder." "It's not your fault, Scully." "If it's any consolation, I told Mom everything and she promised not to let him out of her sight until she has him on a plane headed for home." "Now your brother has one more reason to hate me. I'm sorry, Scully. I don't like being the cause of friction in your family. Maybe you should listen to Bill. He made some good points, even if they were hard to recognize through all the harsh words." I can't believe he just said that. "You think I should quit?" There's no disguising the disappointment in my voice. "It's worth considering, Scully. Even cats only have nine lives. A career in medicine would be a lot less hazardous." Fine. So much for feeling wanted. Or needed. How could I have even hoped that he might love me? You're such a fool, Dana. Look at how easily he can push you away. "I imagine so. Maybe I should call Billy and tell him to arrange that marriage to Mr. Suitable too. Hell with what I want. Everyone else seems to know what's best for me." Crossing my arms over my chest, I offer Mulder a cold stare. "I didn't mean for you to get upset, Scully." "Am I that unavailing to you, Mulder? Would you find it so easy to replace me? Is it that simple to make the choice to dismiss me?" "Unavailing? I'm not dismissing you! And I could never replace you! Scully, I was only suggesting that you might want to consider other options." "Well, maybe I don't want to! Maybe I love what I do! Maybe I enjoy working with you, Mulder. Maybe the X-Files are just as important to me as they are to you. Maybe I'd be bored silly in a normal job. And maybe I have no interest whatsoever in a suitable husband!" There! Damn it! I think that last sentence went a little far. Mulder sits back down in his chair. "Okay, Scully." He's looking at me with a puzzled frown. Like I'm one of the mysteries he's devoted his life to solving. Maybe I am. ************************************************ Scully stayed with her mother after she was finally released from the hospital. That is, until I received a desperate call late one night begging me to spring her from forced childhood regression. "If I hear my middle name one more time, Mulder, they're going to have to readmit me to the hospital for a self-inflicted wound." I took that to mean she was ready to cut the cord, and I promised her I would come by and pick her up first thing in the morning. Which I did. Maggie actually seemed relieved to once again have an empty nest. It had only been four days, but Scully can be a bit cranky when she isn't feeling well. I tried not to show my panicked face when Scully's mom took me aside before I got in the car and said, "Don't let her bully you, Fox. See to it that she gets her rest. She gives those who love her the worst time of all. Dana has always resisted the notion that she needed to be taken care of, even as a child. This is a very difficult time for her. She hates feeling weak and dependent. Forgive her if she lashes out." I smiled and nodded and swallowed over the lump in my throat before getting into the car with Scully. 'She gives those who love her the worst time of all.' Maggie's words dominate my thoughts the entire way to Scully's place. It's a quiet drive as my partner has a fresh supply of painkillers on board and is asleep most of the way. At her apartment, I park the car right in front of the entrance and rush around to open the door for her. She glares at me when I try to help her out of the car. Reluctantly, I stand back and watch her wrestle with the pain, as she extracts herself from the front seat and slowly makes her way up the steps. Gathering up her suitcase, I follow her inside. At least she seems happy to be back at her own place. I'm glad now that I didn't suggest she stay with me. "Home." She sighs and smiles as she looks around. "I missed this place." "Scully, you're still supposed to be at bed rest. Why don't you go get your jammies on and climb into bed?" "I'm tired of bed, Mulder." She pouts. "And I'm tired of doing nothing all day. I want to do something. Anything! How about I make us some lunch?" "I'll do that. You go to bed," I insist, leaving no room in my tone for argument. Her eyes narrow at me. She knows she can't win. "You're not going to start calling me Dana Katherine, are you?" she warns. "It's a beautiful name, but you'll always be Scully to me," I tell her, hoping to disarm her. It works like a charm. She grins and looks away, a bit embarrassed by the compliment. I love pitching her flattery. It brings out a side of her that's so unlike her FBI persona. Demure Scully is a treat to behold. "All right, Mulder," she says after a pause. "You win. I'll go to bed. At least I'll be in my own bed," she mutters as she goes off to her room. By the time I have lunch assembled (thank God Scully keeps a large supply of Lean Cuisine in her freezer), I find her wrapped up in her down comforter, sound asleep. Well, not sound asleep. As I enter her room and set the tray of food aside on her dresser, she is once again babbling in dreamland. I think it's the pills she's taking. Scully doesn't usually talk in her sleep. I know I shouldn't, but I stop and listen anyway. In her previous ramblings my name was prominently mentioned, along with some sounds and words that lead me to believe Dana Scully was in the throes of a rather erotic dream. My heart and ego were sufficiently charged by the notion that Scully has amative fantasies about me, no matter how drug induced they might be. I have to hear more. Moving to the edge of her bed, I hear a moan and see her smile in blissful slumber. She hugs her pillow close to her body, wrapping herself around it and nuzzling it with her cheek. Oh, to be that pillow. But watching isn't half bad either. She's not the only one being aroused by this dream. "Mulllderr..." She purrs and giggles. Giggles? It's important that I remind myself at this point that she is not herself. Her reverie is being helped along by some fairly potent pharmaceuticals. Otherwise, I'd be all over her right now. "Yesss, God, yes! Oh, Mulder..." The woman is writhing. This is so not fair! "Harder!" Okay. That's enough. If I listen to any more of this I'm going to cream my uncomfortably tight at the moment jeans. "Lunch time, Scully," I announce, ignoring the fact that my voice just cracked like a fourteen-year-old school boy. The smile vanishes from her face as she returns to reality. Slowly she comes awake. She is flushed like before. I shouldn't tease her, but I can't resist. "So, Scully, you look a little overheated again. Why don't I turn those covers down for you?" I reach for the comforter but she snatches it up under her chin, clinging to it protectively. "No! Mulder, no thank you. I'm fine." She catches me grinning as I reach for her food, and I am met with a cold stare when I place the tray across her lap. "Would you like me to feed you?" "I think I can manage." "I'm sure you can, but my way's more fun." "Mulder." I am warned. "Okay, okay. I'll behave myself." "I'd appreciate that." "Look, if you think you'll be all right here by yourself for a while, I'll run to the market. There's really not much in the way of food in that refrigerator of yours." Scully's usually well stocked, at least when we're in town. I think her mother must have cleaned out her refrigerator at some point, because I found nothing in there that could be classified as a X-File, and Scully hasn't been home in weeks. "I'll be fine. Go." She's a little too eager to get rid of me for my liking. What do I expect, though, after teasing her? ************************************************ When the phone rang I thought surely it was Mulder calling from the grocery store to check on me. In fact, I was so confident of this that I answered the phone in a rather unorthodox manner. "Yes, Mulder. I'm right here in bed where you left me. Patiently awaiting your return." "Dana, it's Bill." Oh, shit! I haven't talked to him since the whole ugly business of a few weeks ago. He kept trying to call me at Mom's, but I really didn't want to talk to him. Crap! "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were Mulder checking up on me to see that I'm following doctor's orders. He went to the store to get food." I hear a frustrated sigh. "I thought you were staying with Mom?" "I wanted to go home." "So you could play house with your trigger happy boyfriend?" I'm not going to lose my temper. "First of all, Billy, Mulder is not trigger happy. That gun went off by accident, and you know it. How much brains does it take to dive onto a man holding a loaded weapon? Come on, Billy, you attacked him. He didn't want to fight you." "I suppose." "And secondly, Mulder's not my boyfriend. We're good friends, that's all." "Bullshit! You're in love with him, Dana. At least have the guts to admit it." Call me gutless, I changed the subject. "Why did you call, Bill?" "I wanted to say I'm sorry. I was worried about you and I guess I over-reacted. I shouldn't have said the things I said to you. And I'm sorry I slugged your boyfriend." "Mulder is NOT my boyfriend. But I accept your apology." Even if I do think Tara put you up to it. "Christ, Dana, you're in just as much denial as he is." "I am not in denial!" So much for not losing my temper. "Yes, you are. You're in love with him. Anyone with eyes can see that. I saw it coming long ago." "You don't have any idea what you're talking about." "Give me some credit, sis. I've seen you in love before. Although, admittedly never like this. You've got it bad. You always did have awful taste in men." Billy's actually quite calm, which is only making me more furious. Damn him! He would pick now to finally be perceptive. He's usually as dense as a stump. Why now? "Shit, Billy, I don't want to discuss this with you." "Then just admit it's true and I'll leave you alone." Easier said than done. "It's not!" "Liar." "I'm not a liar! And I'm not in denial! And, God damn you, Billy, why can't you just butt out of my life!" "Say it." "Fuck you!" "Nice mouth, Dana. Admit the truth and I'll stay out of your life. I won't interfere any more with your career or your relationships. Come on now, Dana, say it." "All right! I'm in love with him! Are you happy now, Billy! God damn you! I've admitted it! I'm in love with Mulder!" I am screaming the words into the phone like a crazy woman when I suddenly realize I'm not alone. Oh, God! Mulder has returned from the store and he's standing in the doorway to my bedroom. I have no idea what my stupid brother's response was to my confession, because as soon as I see Mulder standing there with that shocked look, I drop the phone on the floor and bury my face in my hands completely mortified. My heart is pounding and I know I must be the most embarrassing shade of red. I swear to God, I'm going to kill my brother! "Scully." Oh, please, Mulder. Don't talk to me. Just let me sit here until I die of humiliation. "Scully, look at me." Nope. Sorry, Mulder. Can't do. The last thing in the world I could handle right now is the smirk I know is going to be on your face if I look up. It would hurt too much. I'm terrified he's going to laugh at me. He tries to pull my hands away, but I won't let him. I realize I'm being childish, but I can't face him. He gives up the struggle. "I'm in love with you too, Scully." My stomach does flip flops when I hear the words I've been waiting for all these years. I peek out between my fingers to see if he's really as serious as he sounds. Mulder ducks his head to the side in a playful gesture trying to see me better. He bites his lip waiting to see what my reaction will be. I think my response pleases him. I lift my bed covers in an obvious invitation. "Well, get over here, damn it." He grins, kicks off his shoes, and falls into bed beside me, fully dressed. We share a long, slow, delicious first kiss that leaves my whole body tingling when we finally separate. My hand reaches down between us and I tug at the button at his waistband. "Scully, you're still recuperating. No strenuous activities, remember?" But he doesn't stop me from my intended purpose. "Mulder, I'm not waiting any more," I inform him, as I succeed in unfastening his fly. My fingers brush the hardness straining against his jeans and he draws in a sharp breath. "Patience was never your virtue, Scully," he croaks, as I ignore my own pain and wrestle him out of those too tight jeans. "Lucky for you I'm not feeling particularly virtuous right now." He chuckles at that as he slips his shirt over his head, and then reaches over to unbutton my pajama top. We are both startled by the beeping sound coming from the floor beside my bed. Oh, God! The phone! Billy! I don't think I ever hung up. Mulder laughs and reaches over to retrieve the handset and returns it to the cradle. "Guess, your brother heard enough." Without another word we resume our lovemaking. Mulder gently undresses me. And proceeds to make my fantasies of him pale in comparison. I can't believe the waiting is finally over. ************************************************ I think I exhausted her. We really shouldn't have done it now, not in her condition, but I didn't have the will to resist. I tried to be gentle, to make it as easy on her as possible, but Scully had other ideas... wonderful ideas... mind-blowing, I've-never-had-it-so-good ideas. Damn, I love that woman! When she's well I'm going to be in big trouble. Lucky me! Maybe a nap isn't such a bad idea. I spoon up beside Scully, another dream come true, and settle in for a little shuteye. God, she smells incredible. Nothing like the scent of sex to lull you to sleep. I'm just starting to drift off when I hear Scully moan. Hmmm. Dreaming again. I can't help but smile. "Yesss. God, yes!" She wriggles against me. I hold her closer, determined to enjoy every minute of it. "Mmmm, more, more... don't stop." Who needs a video collection when you have live entertainment like this? "Yes, don't stop... don't stop, Alex." Alex! Who the fuck is Alex? "Do it harder! Please... please, Krycek. Do it harder!" I think my heart just stopped. She didn't just say what I... "No, Alex, Mulder doesn't suspect a thing." Wait a second. I lift my head off the pillow and peek around to see her face and catch her looking out of the corner of her eye at me, a sly little grin playing on her lips. "Had you big time." "You're an evil woman, Scully." "Yes, but you love me." Can't argue with that. ~END~ Life is too short to drink bad wine.